30 Day Sex Challenge

So this church in FL (Ibor City, I think), is doing a "30 Day Sex Challenge" - challenging married folks to have sex every day for 30 days, and challenging single folks to abstain for 30 days.

http://30daysexchallenge.com

Um, if you had asked me to abstain for 30 days, I'd have a better shot.

We are swamped, and when bedtime comes, the bed is all I'm thinking about.

I'm also wondering about what day 27 is like, assuming you make it that far on the challenge. Do you both look at each other, and psych yourself up thinking "Only 3 more days to go!" Or, would it be good?

We are considering doing it. For 30 days straight.

And to be very blunt, what about the days you're on your period? I guess the challenge assumes you're still doin' the deed. Maybe doin' it in the shower on those days. I dunno.

I'd love to hear your opinions on this.

Oh, and I wonder what they would suggest my gay and lesbian friends do? Many of them are married, or in a married relationship. Hmm.

WW Update

I've lost 17.2 pounds. I've exceeded the weight equivalent of my youngest child!
Oh, and I found out today at the doctor's that I have strep throat. I pray the girls don't get it. Weight loss is a cinch when you can't swallow.

Cookie's New Teeth

It's been a long night/day.
At 4:30 this morning, Cookie woke up hollering for milk, then juice, then anything.
We had meltdown status.
But because of her dental procedures & sedation, it was "nothing after midnight - not even water".
She screamed until Michael took her for a drive at 5 am.
Bit-Bit slept all night until they returned at 6:30 and Cookie started screaming again.
Michael took Bit to daycare and then we took Cookie to the dentist where they gave her "princess juice" to drink (the sedative) followed by a little water. She played, and played. They said it would kick in within 15 minutes. They lied. Or, our girl is tough as nails. She never went out. Instead, she was a bad, angry drunk - staggering and screaming and crying.
They finally took her back and gave her nitrous oxide on top of it all to relax her enough to get her to "give up the fight".
When they finally allowed us back to check to see she was OK and the procedure was about to start, I saw a horrible sight:
My baby was wrapped from head to toe in a gauze-like substance (to keep her still, I imagine). Her face was mostly covered with the nitrous mask, and attached to her toe was a monitor for her vitals.
She sobbed a little from underneath her mask, even though her eyes were closed.
It was tough to witness. I didn't expect such a sight. I think I wish now that I wouldn't have gone back.

She emerged about 45 minutes later with the dentist with 5 fixed-up teeth and we all got lectured on "no milk or juice in sippy cups", especially at night after brushing.

She fell asleep in the car, got home and drank some milk, and crashed asleep in our bed. It's 2:30 and she just started to stir a little.

We are all exhausted - that is, except Bit-Bit who apparently is unimpressed with all the hype.

Oh, and schools all closed early - including the University - which NEVER happens - in anticipation of an ice storm. So, Michael is on his way to pick up some groceries and child #2 and then we will all just crash.

I hope classes are canceled tomorrow. I bet my students are hoping for the same thing.

Oh, and on top of all this, daycare thinks Cookie has Fifth's Disease, but of course now she's not contagious anymore since the rash and appearance of slapped-cheeks has just appeared. Greaaaat.

WW Progress

-13.6 pounds total as of this morning's weigh-in
Not too bad considering we had V-Day date-night as well as 2 enormous chocolate covered strawberries each
I am feeling better already
The Easter chocolate everywhere is just killing me, so I'm trying to incorporate it into my "points"
I painted my fingernails for the first time in over a year
Not sure what that means, other than I feel better about "me"
Oh, and I made an avatar over at meez.com. She'll likely reflect my attitude du jour. Like it?

V-Day

Last night I picked the girls up from daycare and took them both to W-Mart for last-minute shopping for valentines for Cookie to give out today. There was already plenty of snow and ice, and the snow was falling at a pretty good clip. We found neat 3-D cards with her favorite butterflies and ladybugs on them, and very cute Snoopy valentine stickers that she put on the back of each one. I sent her off this morning with her valentines, and she seemed quite excited. I also got her a little red heart of Russel Stover chocolates. She is now a big fan of chocolate, and whenever she sees any she almost screams "CHO-CO-LATE!"

Tonight I'm making a "romantic" spaghetti dinner for all of us (as romantic as you can get with a 6 month old & a 2-yr. old) that will be appropriately W-Watchers friendly. I didn't make it to weigh-in on Monday due to meetings on campus, but I'm weighing myself at home and am certain I would have lost more. We will just have to wait until this coming Monday to see how much it is officially. My jeans are getting loose in the thighs and buttocks, so I'm quite pleased. Now, if only my bra would get loose I'd be happier (says the not-so-proud owner of 42DDDs).

I received a beautiful delivery of assorted colors of roses today at home, and it really motivated me. There was a lovely note attached from hubby that made me cry (in a good way). He's got a very tender side, and I love him even knowing his faults. He loves me knowing ALL of mine. That's a pretty good deal right there.

Tomorrow, we're having date-night and hiring a babysitter. Hubby's parents sent a VERY unexpected V-day present to us with enough cash to hire a sitter and have a date-night. We are thrilled. I love my girls, but they are both quite high-maintenance. Cookie talks CONSTANTLY now, and is getting to the stage where if you don't repeat back and acknowledge everything she says, she repeats it ad nauseum. It's often fun to talk with her because her vocabulary is so enormous, but sometimes I just want some silence.

So, Happy V-Day all. May you each find a little silence, and maybe even a little romance too.

Win An IPod From Baggage

Not only is she one of the coolest foster-to-adopt moms around, calls her junk her "LadyTown", and can rant better than Dennis Miller, but she's giving away an iPod. Go read her blog!

Baggage That Goes With Mine

The List

My students have an assignment to create their list of Must-Haves and Can't Stands in a life partner. I began creating mine at the age of 14, at the urging of my father. It is now a monster in terms of length, but one that truly represents what I need in a partner. For my student's sake, I'm posting it here and sharing it publicly:

Communication
He will be incredibly honest.
He will never, ever lie to me, even if it means relational discord.
He will tell me if he doesn’t like something I cook, if he doesn’t like something I’m wearing, or if he doesn’t like something I’ve done or am doing.
He won’t wait to tell me until it’s too late to do anything about it.
Together, we will make one terrific team. Together, we will accomplish things that separately we would never be able to achieve.
He will dream big and tell me often about those dreams. He will actively work with me to find ways to make some of those dreams come true.
He’ll listen to me vent after a really bad day – even if he doesn’t feel my frustration, anxiety, or feelings are warranted. He’ll listen to my excitement when I’ve had a really good day – even if it isn’t something that would excite him.
He will have no problem asking for what he wants – relationally, sexually, intimately, or otherwise.
He will want to hear my desires and needs.
He will compliment me when there is something special he takes notice of.
He won’t patronize me. He will see me as his equal.
He will miss me when we’re apart.
He will be proud of my accomplishments.
He will remind me often that he loves me, even though I already know.
He will keep the secrets I tell him.
He will have good social skills, be able to meet new people, carry on a good conversation, and not make a fool of himself or me socially.
He will call if he’s going to be late.
He will ask me difficult questions about life.
He will think I’m wonderful, and when other people ask about me, he will have nice things to say about me.
He will be my confidant.
He will want to hear all the stories from my childhood, my teenage years, and my young adult life.
He will regale me with his stories as well.
He will take great joy in the creation of our new stories together.
He won’t do things out of mere obligation.
He’ll put me first – ahead of others in his life.
My perspectives and opinions will be important to him.
My happiness will be important to him.
He will consider my feelings when making important decisions.


Religion/Spirituality

He must be a born-again Christian. He can and will be fatally flawed, yet forgiven. He must be a spiritual partner who sees God in similar ways and who seeks to understand his relationship with his creator. We can disagree about worship practices and philosophies, but the core values and things we believe in strongly should match. I want a partner to support me spiritually as well. He will go to church with me every week and pray with me regularly. Together, we will have a regular (weekly) Bible study as a couple, and have a goal of praying together every day.

He must not be holier-than-thou, sanctimonious, or overly concerned with ritual and tradition (like what hymns or praise songs are sung or when the offering is taken up or if a woman is in a leadership role). He must not judge others who choose to worship God in different ways. He must not believe that because he was saved as a child, that means he’s still saved. He must not buy into religious teachings that make women subservient, second-class citizens.

Personality Variables
He’ll enjoy a good intellectual discussion as well as utter silliness – even in the same day.

He’ll laugh at everything that is remotely funny. He’ll laugh at himself, at me, and at the millions of funny things this crazy life presents. He’ll want to have lots of fun. He’ll find fun in the mundane goings-on of life. He’ll want to have lots of fun with me.

He will not be selfish, and will know how to put me first sometimes. He will share freely with others and give to those in need.

He must not be depressed and sullen a majority of the time. He must be, overall, a generally happy person. He will want to be happy.

He will be flexible.

Education
He will have at least as much college education as I have. He’ll have common sense, and know about lots of things I know nothing about. He will be brilliant and well read, but will know that other people (myself included) are just as smart and capable. He’ll teach me new things.

He won’t take issue with the fact that there are things I know more about than he does.


Work
He will like what he does for a living. Work/career will not be all consuming to him or me.

He will be interested in my career and future aspirations. He’ll gladly edit my work, listen to what happened in class or at the office, and support me in whatever I decide to do career-wise.

He will work as hard as I do in all aspects of his life. He will not become complacent with his lot in life, and will always strive to become better at what he does for a living.

He couldn’t care less if I make more money than he does.

Clothing/Dress/Grooming
He will have fastidious personal grooming and hygiene habits. He will believe in showering every day and simple things like brushing his teeth. He will cut his hair regularly before he looks homeless. He will also shave every day, and I’ll cut him some slack there on weekends and when he’s not feeling well.

He will not wear pants without appropriate undergarments. He will not wear dirty clothes. He will not find it amusing when he smells bad. He will not pass gas and laugh and rate it on an Olympic scale.

Food
He will encourage me to be healthy - he’ll help me with healthy eating, weight loss or maintenance, and exercise. He’ll eat something decadent and completely unhealthy every now and then and enjoy every bit of it.

He will try new things – new foods, new recipes, new activities – just for the sake of variety. He’ll have lots of new things he wants me to try as well.
I want him to let me try to cook the things he likes as well as allow me the freedom to cook the things that I like and he doesn’t.

He will not be a vegetarian, or insist that we eat only organic foods. He will not be a health-food fanatic or a work-out obsessed body builder.

I want to eat dinner together as often as possible.

Conflict
He’ll respect me. Despite what will certainly be frequent differences of opinion, he’ll respect my right to my own views.

He’ll respect himself. He won’t compromise his values.

He will not engage in physical violence against me, our children, our pets, or other people.

He will not engage in verbally aggressive conflict, including raising his voice, name-calling, or swearing at me.

He won’t run away from an argument (physically or emotionally).

He’ll view compromise as a necessary part of ensuring relational sanity instead of something that causes people to loose out on what they really want.

He’ll not publicly humiliate or belittle me. He’ll keep relational problems out of the public arena. He won’t discuss our relational problems with anyone who will listen. He will not discuss our relational problems with members of his family.

He’ll tell me when I’ve done something that offends him, annoys him, troubles him, or hurts him. He will be open to hearing it when he has done the same.

He’ll accept my apologies. He’ll forgive my faults. He and I will both say “I’m sorry” when we commit a wrong.


Pets

He will tolerate and be nice to my cats. He will give them food and water. I do not expect him to ever have to clean the litter box, except if/when I am pregnant or too ill to do so.

He will never hit, kick, or hurt the cats.
He will never want to own a dog.

Friendship
He must be willing to become my best friend, and treat me as such. He must seek to maintain healthy connections with other people he considers his friends. He must correspond with and talk to his friends on a regular basis, and seek to do things together with people other than me. He will want us to spend time together with other people.

He must not place his friends above me. When he thinks he needs to give time to a friend instead of meeting family obligations, he should consult me first. He should not engage in inappropriate behavior when with his friends that he would not engage in when in my presence (drinking, smoking, drug use, swearing, and other assorted “actin’ a fool” behaviors).

Intimacy
He’ll touch me constantly. He’ll rub my feet just because and rub my back when I can’t fall asleep. He’ll run his fingers through my hair and along my back. He’ll hold my hand. He won’t be able to touch me enough.

In turn, he’ll love being touched. He will like to cuddle.

He will be passionate, intense, and want amazing physical intimacy with a partner who wants to experiment and experience new things, and who’s willing to try almost anything once.

He’ll kiss me all the time. Occasionally, he will kiss me passionately. He will love kissing me as much as I love kissing him.

When I’m in bed and can’t fall asleep, I’ll ask him to tell me a story, and he will accept the challenge.


Sexuality
Occasionally, he will wake me up in the middle of the night to make love.

He will meet me for lunch in the middle of the day for no reason other than to see me for just a while before going back to work. On occasion, we will go home and make love in the middle of the day and then spend the rest of our work days grinning.

He will share his fantasies with me and be delighted to hear mine.

He will not believe that sex is for a man’s pleasure alone. He will not ignore my sexual needs by frequently giving me excuses for why he’s not in the mood.

Taboos
He will never, ever, under any circumstance be unfaithful to me – he will not kiss or fondle other women or engage in cybersex.

He will not watch pornography unless he is watching it with me for fun as a couple.

Recreation/Sports/Entertainment
He will want to go out on the town from time to time.
He will have good social skills, be able to meet new people, carry on a good conversation, and not make a fool of himself or me socially.
He’ll take me to the theatre, to concerts, museums, and cultural events. Afterwards, we’ll critique every detail and laugh like idiots.
He’ll enjoy spending time with me and will want to spend a lot time together. He’ll allow us to talk about work if we want to, or not talk about it at all on days we don’t.
He will surprise me.
He will work with me to create a life full of fun, excitement, novelty, and spontaneity.
He will frequently give “romance” his best attempt.
He will do some things just because he knows how important they are to me.
He will want to go out at least once a week, and hopefully more often.
He’ll take me on dates even after we’re too old to do much.
He’ll write me love letters and poetry and play romantic music for me.
He’ll sing to me, even if it’s more funny than serious.

He will not let sports overtake his life, sanity, or responsibilities. He will turn off ESPN and FOX Sports and other assorted sporting events when there are other pressing responsibilities and deadlines to meet. He will strive to maintain a healthy balance between working and watching sports, and other aspects of his life.

He will not require me to go to sporting events with him. He will allow me the freedom to choose which events I want or do not want to attend. He will not pout or complain about my lack of enjoyment of watching or participating in any sport.

He will not be a Nascar fan.


In-Law Relationships
He will love his family and seek to maintain relationships with his family. He will want me to be a part of his family.

I hope he will like my family.

He will not be rude, insulting, or hateful to my family. If he has things to say about my family that is negative, he will reserve those comments for private conversations between he and I.

He will not discuss our relational problems with his family. He will not compare me to his mother (or any other relative). He will not expect me to be like his mother.

Nuturing/Caregiving
He’ll support me. He’ll do things for me when I can’t do them for myself, or just because he knows it’s important to me. He’ll support me emotionally by listening to me. He’ll provide confirmation and validation when I need it. He’ll encourage me to be the best at everything I find important to do.
He will be a life partner – someone who will help out with anything at all, even if it’s not his interest or area of expertise. When life’s in crunch-mode, I want a partner who actually wants to help out.

He will remember my birthday and buy me thoughtful gifts.
He will buy me little presents for no special reason.

Living Arrangements
He will work together with me to afford and buy a house that we will be comfortable and safe in, and that provides a safe and comfortable place to raise a family.

He will work together with me on the upkeep of the house.

He will not attempt household repair jobs that he cannot handle. He will call and pay for a proper expert for home repairs.

He will view housework as a joint effort. He will compromise on household task responsibilities so that together we can live in a clean and relatively organized home.

He will not leave dirty dishes in the sink longer than 24 hours.

Physical Characteristics
He will, of course, be absolutely beautiful to me.
He will not spend more time on his physical appearance than I do.
He will not have long hair, and will get regular haircuts prior to looking homeless.
He will keep his fingernails and toenails neatly trimmed.
He will not be morbidly obese.
He will not be shorter than me.
He will have the presence of buttocks.
He will not grow a beard. He will trim any facial hair regularly before food and small animals take residence in it.

Time
He will be on time for social events and engagements by arriving by the time the function is set to begin. If the movie starts at 7, we will be sitting down in the theatre by 6:55 at the latest.
He will not make me late by failing to be ready to leave the house in time to make it somewhere.
He will do his best not to cancel plans at the last minute (literally).
He will make social arrangements well in advance (hopefully a week in advance at the least).
He will not waste a tremendous amount of time sitting around being slothful.

Extended Family Relationships
He will realize that our long-distance family situations likely make it difficult to maintain frequent contact with family members. Nonetheless, he will make a concerted effort to allow us to see our families at least once a year – if only during the holidays or a short visit during summer vacation.

He will not create guilt-trip scenarios for me if we are unable to frequently travel to spend time with family members.

He will pay special attention to his relationships with his siblings, as they will likely outlive his parents. He will also be supporting of my efforts to maintain a healthy relationship with my brother.

Travel
He will want to regularly get out of whatever city we are living in. This travel can be to another city on a day trip, short weekend trips to an adjacent state, or longer week-long trips.

He will not “count” travel to professional conferences as our vacations and will not consider that sufficient “time away”.

He will not want to go on vacations with extended family.

He will view other vacation options than just going to Las Vegas. He will want to do more on vacation than sit in a hotel room and watch TV. Likewise, he will not have to plan out every single minute of a vacation.

He will plan a trip out of the country with me for sometime in the future.


Money/Finances
He will hate debt. He will work hard to eliminate all sources of debt in his life, as I have in mine.

He will not spend beyond his means. If he cannot afford something, he must not purchase it unless he can make the necessary payments (house, car, major repairs, etc.). He will not use credit cards for unnecessary purchases.

He will save money, both on his own and through retirement accounts.

He will tithe to his church, and view tithing and more than just a financial obligation.

Money and material possessions will not be the most important things in life to him.

Parenting Issues
If we cannot have biological children, he will be willing to try moderate levels of fertility treatment options. He will not insist that I put my body through hell to try to conceive. He will view adoption as a viable option for us. He will not view race as an important factor in adoption.

He will view parenting a joint obligation. He will take joint responsibility in caring, feeding, changing, disciplining, and playing with the children.

He will be committed to raising our children in a Christian church, and with Christian principles in the home.

Affection/Touch
He will love giving and receiving hugs and kisses every day.
He will not be stingy or selfish with the giving and receiving of affection. He will not be afraid to touch me in public, but he will not grope or fondle me in public, or engage in socially inappropriate PDAs.
He will like sitting close to me on the sofa, and snuggling up together while we watch TV or a movie, or listen to music.
He will dance with me in the living room.
He will “get fresh” with me, on occasion, in various rooms of the house.

Roles/Responsibilities
He will not view tasks according to gender lines (i.e. that there is “woman’s work” and “man’s work”). He and I will divide tasks and responsibilities according to what we are good at doing, or what we enjoy doing. When there are things that need to get done that neither of us want to do, we will jointly devise a way to get it done that works for both of us.

Health/Illness
He will not expect me to baby him when he is sick. He will appreciate the fact that I will take care of him when he is sick. He will be appreciative of my care giving efforts.
He will keep yearly well-visits to the doctor, and the dentist for routine cleanings.
He will not have any sexually transmitted disease.
He will engage in basic routines of taking care of his health – eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, and not smoking, drinking, or doing drugs.
He will not abuse over-the-counter drugs.
He will view his health holistically – physical, mental, and spiritual health.

Lessons In Parenting

The fastest way to get Cookie to take her bath:
Me: "OK, time to give Bit-Bit her bath."
Cookie: "NOOOOOO!! MY TURN take bath! (runs upstairs and into the bathroom)

The fastest way for my husband to make me do something:
Him: "OK, Cookie, I'm going to help you get dressed."
Cookie: "NOOOOO!! Mommy do dat. Mommy do dat."

The fastest way for us to get Cookie to eat something:
start eating it ourselves without saying a word and not put any on her plate
Cookie: "Cookie have some! Cookie have some!"

The second fastest way for us to get Cookie to eat something:
Me: "I'm going to put these pieces of cheese out in case a mouse comes by."
Cookie: "Yeah! Mouse comes! Mouse comes!" (eats cheese) "Mouse came out!"

The fastest way to wash Cookie's booty in the tub:
Me: "Hey, Cookie, you gonna go swimmin'?"
Cookie: "Swimmin'!" (flops onto her belly to "swim")
Take soapy washcloth to child's booty when she's not expecting it

The fastest way to ruin Cookie's appetite:
Give in to her protests for "Care Bear snacks" (essentially gummy bears marketed as "fruit snacks" - I bet original gummy bears have less sugar.)

The fastest way to get Cookie to reject eating dinner:
Spend an extraordinary amount of time preparing it precisely to her liking

WW Progress

Yesterday, I got my 10-pound weight loss star. -10.5
Not too bad for 3 weeks time.
It's tough with a 2-yr. old who just wants what she wants.
But so far, she's really loved the variety of vegetables, fruits, and snacks.
And, if I happen to be eating a frozen meal that included mashed potatoes, she jacks them.
So, my new award-winning weight-loss strategy is this:
1) prepare your own food
2) allow toddler to see it and eat off your plate at will
3) watch the pounds disappear

Oh, and for her 6-month birthday, Bit-Bit has a double ear infection (her first that we know of). She only weighs 15 pounds, 3 oz. and is 25 inches long. Petite chubster. That's my Bit-Bit.

I think my next goal is to loose the weight equivalent of a Bit-Bit!

Growing Blogroll & SW Update

I've updated my blog links here, and wanted to let you know so you could check them out as well. There are many new blogs out there written by folks who are awaiting placements, matches, or deep in the trenches of fostering and/or adopting. If you, too, would like to be added to the blogroll, or I have left you off (because I will forever be a space cadet on some level), PLEASE leave a comment and tell me about yourself so I can add you to my list!

Oh, and Bit-Bit's SW came by. Even though she never met my oldest daughter until last month, she suggested I have her evaluated for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I was insulted and mad as hell. Her business is NOT my daughter who is now ALL MINE. HER business is my now foster-daughter. Period. (Oh, and my daughter does not in any way, shape, or form have FAS. And I am not looking to "diagnose" any of her quite typical 2-year old behaviors, thank you very much.)

We also have a new R&C worker, who also had never met my oldest daughter, who attempted to on-the-spot diagnose her with "sensory issues". Uh-huh. Insulting at a minimum. Dangerous at its worst. Imagine if I were an idiot who follows every suggestion offered by minimally educated busy-bodies. Those of you who have followed my story forever, or who know me IRL, know Cookie has neither of these issues. She is two, and brilliant, and needs cognitive stimulation because of that. I think that's fabulous.

Do you know how many kids are medicated now and on serious psychotropic medications? If you don't, you really owe it to yourself to find out. I will tell you that the diagnosis being given out to very young children (as young as 2) now is...bi-polar disorder. The fastest growing childhood diagnosis. And yes, the same medication given to adults for the disorder is being prescribed to children in lesser doses. It makes me want to vomit.

Bit-Bit's biomom and legal dad have both now been served papers at their respective places of incarceration. Biomom has 22 days with which to respond, but it won't matter anyway. We are just waiting for the court date for TPR to be assigned now. SW says her best guess is that it will be around the end of March. That is excellent news. Of course, all this is still too slow for me.

Bit-Bit is now sitting up for long periods of time all by herself. She isn't crawling yet, but is doing plenty of rolling and "launching" herself around the room. "Launching" is done by getting up on her hand and knees, rocking back and forth very fast, and suddenly thrusting herself forward in a belly-flop in the direction she wants to go in. I happen to think this is quite inventive!

Mommy Guilt

Cookie went to the pediatric dentist today for her first-ever visit. I thought she had some tooth decay on a front tooth. I was wrong. She has decay seemingly everywhere. 5 teeth will need work. And the culprit: the sippy cup.

Cookie's always had sleeping problems, and a need for something comforting. At home, we use Nuby sippy cups with the soft silicone spout. Sometimes she does carry it around and uses it as more of a pacifier than anything. In the night she wakes up crying for "Milk! Milk!" If we give her water, she has a meltdown and will not quit until she gets milk. In the evenings during quiet time and reading, she has to have her sippy cup. Lately, she's given up juice and taken on a real love for milk - and lots of it.

I feel like I have been an atrocious mother. I knew that her use of a sippy cup at home wasn't good. She obviously does fine at daycare without one, but she begs for it as soon as we get into the car. If we forget her sippy cup, we have another meltdown on our hands.

But I should have been stronger. I should have insisted on water only. But beyond that, the dentist told me that the constant use of the sippy has been pushing her upper teeth forward. He asked if she used a pacifier, and when I said no I don't think he believed me.

I asked if her drug exposure could have been to blame, but the answer was "not in this manner".

It is bad. Her front two teeth were badly decayed in the back. We had never seen that. Even her new 2-yr. molars that have just come in already have cavities in them. In the front teeth, we were told it was a very close call as to whether she needed a root canal.

And now we have to wait until Feb. 21st for all the repair work.

We have to pay only $15o for the sedation. Her medical card doesn't cover sedation, and after how she screamed and flailed today, sedation is best option.

My heart is sick. I feel like my wanting to be a loving mother has in this area actually damaged my child.

I'm glad at this point she's too young to blame me. :)

At least they will use white resin to do the repair work.

Cookie's New Skill

This afternoon, Cookie spontaneously busted into singing her ABC's - and for the first time, she sung it all the way through with no help and without missing a letter...twice!

That's my girl!

She can almost always count to 10 on her own, but is still fond of skipping the #5. What did 5 ever do to her?

Colors and shapes are in progress. She has "circle" and "orange" down, but the others seem to be still under development. Apparently, everything is "green", unless of course, it is orange.

Bit-Bit Update

First, she's fine (of course).
And her new nickname here is because IRL we call her "Bit-Bit", so the name change here seemed more appropriate. :)

The daycare (that we now actually have even more love and respect and admiration for) is a nationally accredited on (K****r C*re) and home office has been quite helpful. They have offered to pay for any testing, doctor's bills, etc.

The other family was notified, and the mother is healthy and not on any medications. She offered to turn over any medical information or undergo any testing herself as opposed to subjecting a baby to testing. Amazing. We do not know who she is, but the daycare told us that she is "in a medical profession". As a matter of policy, the families cannot be told who the other party in the incident is.

We read the CDC website about the risks, or relative lack thereof, and feel much better. Since the "damage" is already done, we are going to wait to talk to Bit-Bit's pediatrician on her 6-month visit around the first of Feb. That way, we can all be accurate about what happened and talk face-to-face.

We are not worried anymore. We VASTLY appreciate your advice - it helped us put together a checklist of things to ask about.

If we would like, our pediatrician can contact the daycare and they will release the name of the other family's physicians, so our doctor can contact their doctor in confidentiality and find out any medical information necessary. The other family has agreed to do this and have their medical records open for a look, so we already feel relieved there.

Bit-Bit did drink the ENTIRE bottle (and probably loved and and is now wondering how she can get some more of that delicious milk). The bottles were identical except for the name written on the label. Bit-Bit is probably more at risk riding in the shopping cart at the grocery store and touching the handle. Still, we will seek out our pediatrician's advice and see if we should investigate any further.

Interestingly enough, we feel now like our kids are more well protected at this daycare than just about anywhere.

Thanks again for all of your wonderful tips and assurances.

URGENT Advice Needed!

Just got a call informing me that Bit-Bit was accidentally given the wrong bottle at daycare...of breastmilk!!! They were extremely apologetic and the worker has been suspended (which breaks my heart, b/c she LOVES Bit-Bit and Bit-Bit loves her, and they all said it was just a freak mistake. I know, a potentially dangerous mistake. *sigh*

Anyway, now I must call pediatrician, etc.

But anyone know of dangers? Communicable diseases? I know, our pediatrician will know more, but it is 5:50 and I couldn't reach my husband by phone on his way to pick up the girls.

Any advice for how to proceed, if anything?

Please help.

I don't want to tell my mom in FL, although she would have good advice.

Should I call the social worker?

Ugh.

Thank God It's Monday!

OK, so this may be the one day a year I actually believe that. But today the girls are at daycare (thank you, Lord!) and I am not teaching today because of the holiday.

Oh, and I weighed in today after 1 week on WW. Result = -7 pounds. Yippie!!

While Teaching Class Today...

Student: "You mean there can be racist monkeys?"

Me: Racist monkeys? No, Rhesus. Rhesus. I said Rhesus. RHE-SUS.

*sigh*

The First Post of 08

I'm way behind in my posting. It's a by-product of a life with a 2 year old and a 5 1/2 month old. The girls are thriving. Michael and I are not getting the sleep we need and deserve, but beyond that life is wonderful.

Here are a few random updates from this scatterbrain:

Job Ish:
I'm teaching 3 classes this semester between the university and community college. It's all the same class - Interpersonal Communication, so it's easy to prep. I'm on a MWF schedule, so T/Th I'll be taking care of housework and catching up on my sanity.

Michael did not get a call from Texas A&M. I'm disappointed that there was no thrill there, but am glad to know we are where we are supposed to be for now. I remember last year being so sad about him needing to turn down the offer from George Mason U., but if we had gone we would not have been able to get Honey Bun when she was born. God obviously had more important plans for us than moving to DC! But Michael did get a 7,500 a year raise out of the negotiations process, so it worked out remarkably well all around.

I hope something interesting opens up in 08 - for one or both of us. I'm really sick of the attitude of most of the people at the university here. Braggadocios for no good reason. Pompous. Arrogant. Self-centered. Mean.

Health:
I'm on half the Metformin I had been taking for my PCOS and elevated testosterone levels. At my last checkup of 2007, testosterone was at the lowest it had ever been, so I get to cut the medication in half and see how I do in about 3 months. Since we are no longer TTC, medicating the PCOS is more for my health than anything else.

Depression is always a threat, but well under control. I'm on the same meds and level I've been on for almost 2 years now, and all is well. I only cry when I'm really stressed, mad as hell, and exhausted. I no longer cry for no good reason. I still have trouble sleeping, but that's mainly because I'm afraid that when I do fall asleep, that will be the exact minute a child wakes up needing something.

Weight:
Last year, a stranger in a store told me I looked great for having just given birth. Yikes.

Yesterday, Michael and I started Weight Watchers. I'll likely post about the journey from time to time, but if it becomes more than a mere mention, I'll create a separate page for that so you can read about my weight loss journey there.

I will put it out here in black and white: I weighed 245.2. I have actually weighed more than that, and we pleasantly surprised I wasn't over the 250 mark. I am 5'6". I have 100 pounds to loose. I could weigh 155 and be within my "range". Still, it's a lot. I am morbidly obese. I am in the greatest health risk category. I don't want to die. I want to have more energy for my kids. I want to feel like running around outside instead of plopping on the sofa all evening. I am pretty motivated. This has to be my 20th time joining Weight Watchers, if not close to it.

I have to loose 24 pounds to get my 10% target. When I have lost that, I will have lost approximately the weight of my 2-year old daughter!!

Cookie Issues:
T-A-N-T-R-U-M-S. Period. I loathe them. They make me want to beat her butt. She's so struggling with control and identity issues and testing us. I know it's important and necessary and healthy, but DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP.

I do most of the caring for Cookie when she wakes up - which is also at least once or twice a night, mainly wanting milk to drink...um, CRYING for "MILK!!". She is sadly, still in our bed. We have not been working real hard on getting her out because doing so means we will not get sleep of any kind. While we were in FL, she did a good job of sleeping in a big bed by herself in her bedroom, but that was a special butterfly room designed by her grandparents to be every little girl's fantasy room. Who wouldn't want to sleep there? I could do the same thing at our house, if I had several thousand dollars to remodel.

Cookie is now in the 2-3 year old room at daycare and LOVES it. The increased intellectual stimulation and the new challenges just cater to her personality in the best ways. She comes home singing her ABC's and can do it all by herself - she misses G and W most of the time, and LOVES the "LMNOP" part (who doesn't love that letter!!). She also sings parts of many, many songs. She has a beautiful singing voice and is also a fascinating dancer!

Honey Bun Issues:
Sleeping is OK. Some nights we only have 1 wake-up between midnight and 2, and some nights (like last night) we seem to be up every 2 hours. The former is more like her, but there are still enough restless nights to necessitate prayer over it. Michael gets up with her most often, because he's the kind of guy who will watch a game he's DVRed or catch up on email while he holds her. I, on the other hand, would just want to cry.

Her development seems to be on target. She's small, but lovely. She is at about 20th percentile for length, and 50th percentile for weight - a chubster! She is just getting into 6 month clothes at 5 1/2 months. She still looks incredibly tiny to us.

She is sitting up mostly on her own now, though no one leaves her sitting up unattended because eventually she will topple over. She rolls everywhere she wants to go, and is obviously trying to crawl. She's in the crawler-room at daycare because it is obvious it will happen any day, and she is considered somewhat mobile because of her rolling everywhere!

We will likely get a First Steps evaluation for her in the next couple of months, though I can't see any delays. She grins all the time and responds to everything and has great hand-eye coordination, so I can't imagine there is anything wrong, but I'll leave it to the experts.

Adoption will happen, though we are still waiting to get a court date for TPR. We will have to have our monthly visit with the social worker sometime before the end of January, so sometime in the next 2 weeks I'll have a status report.

Marriage Issues:
Um. Well. Some days are better than others. I think any couple with two kids the ages of ours struggles some. And we do. I think I struggle more than Michael does, or at least I express myself whereas he keeps it all in. I miss physical intimacy, and that doesn't just mean sex, though I miss that too. Neither of us is going anywhere else, but most of the time it seems he's just taking up space in the house. He has to make the effort, so I've given up talking, begging, complaining, and crying about it. If he wants a good marriage, he'll have to take off the iPod first and open his mouth. Wearing something other than grey sweats might help, too. I'm done with this subject now.

Christmas 07:
Awesome. We went to my parent's in FL for almost 2 weeks. We rented a car this time - definitely made the trip better - that was partially paid for by my parents for our Christmas present - fabulous! It seemed all Michael wanted to do was sleep and listen to his iPod, so he wasn't much fun. My fun really just came from watching the girls with my parents and brother and sister-in-law. I'll post pictures as soon as I get the disks from my mom - which could be a while.

I'll have to take my own pictures soon. In fact, I'm charging the camera batteries now. It is tough though to find a time to take a picture of Cookie when she isn't filthy. How do they get so dirty without being outside even??

I hope to post daily from now on. The keys feel good under my fingertips, and I feel better already.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Cookie

Dear Cookie,
What a beautiful little girl you have become. Today you are two years old, but it seems like only a short while ago you were our little baby. Now you are a big sister, and capable of doing so much on your own.

So that one day you will know what you were like, I wanted to write about what you are doing these days.

You run and jump and climb like a great athlete on a mission. You have good coordination, and you are FAST. Mommy and daddy are out of shape. You love running away from us and making us chase you. Even if we scold you or punish you for running away - in the store, or airport, or church, or in a parking lot - you think it is great fun. It is a good thing you are so cute - watching your eyes light up as you get the idea in your head to run and seeing the smile you flash as you turn to run, then seeing silky blonde hair flying in the wind and hearing your laughter...well, it makes it all worthwhile.

You love to be with us, and with friends and family, but you are fiercely independent. You want to do everything yourself. You often refuse help and try and try to do something yourself, even if it means you get frustrated. I'll ask "Want mommy to help you?" repeatedly, and you will give a firm "No!" and struggle with something on your own until you figure it out.

You are loving and cuddly. You still love "woobies" like mommy's jammies and soft blankies. I recently bought your baby sister her first "woobie" with a silky side and a plush side with all kinds of soft tabs to feel, and you stole it. You do, however, let her "borrow" it.

We are struggling to get you out of our bed. If we put you to sleep in your toddler bed (which is only a few feet away from our bed), the moment you realize you are in it and not in bed with us, you holler and demand to be in between us. If we oblige, you are asleep in minutes. If we don't, you let us know how unhappy you are for hours, and nobody gets any sleep. You have yet to sleep through the night. Every night you wake up and demand a drink. We tried switching to water, but you still demand it just as much. Needless to say, none of us sleep very well. But I do like cuddling with you at night. Sometimes we watch a video, or just read or sing songs until you fall asleep lying right up against me. You still have to put a hand down the front of my jammies so you can have "boobie time". My boobies are your favorite woobie.

We think you are so, so smart. You can count to 10 with little assistance. You can sing some of your ABCs, and some parts of your favorite songs. You are working on learning your shapes, colors, and numbers. You like to use your crayons and tell us you are drawing circles (which you do quite well). You read books with us and will fill in where we stop - like if we say "One fish", you'll say "Two fish!" and we'll say "red fish" and you'll say "Blue fish!" That is one of my favorite books to read with you right now.

You still love Elmo, Sesame Street, old Gerbert videos, and Charlie Brown holiday specials. You've begged to watch "Noopy Bown" every night since Thanksgiving, and we were forced to buy the 3 DVD set so we could delete things from the DVR.

You love nature - birds, squirrels, and frogs are your absolute favorites. You love feeding the birds and squirrels and watching them come eat the food you put out for them.

In spite of your birth mom's problems, you are in excellent health. You weigh 29 pounds and are in the 70th percentile for height. Your ear infection problems from your first year of life have disappeared since getting ear tubes. You still have a runny nose and cough/congestion a lot, but that seems to be something that comes with you being in daycare.

You are loving to your baby sister, and have settled in well to her being a demanding part of our lives. You love going into her room at daycare to go get her at the end of the day. If you bump into her on accident, you pat her on the head and say "Sorry sissy." You really care about other people's feelings. When you see me upset, you will ask, "What's the matter, mommy?"

It's difficult to say what words you know and use, since you seem to use them all now. There's very little that you are unable to communicate with words. Sometimes you are downright chatty, and we find those times to be intoxicatingly beautiful.

We can't imagine loving you more than we do right now, though we know that love will surely grow stronger by the day. We thank God every day for the blessing of you and your sister. We can't imagine what our lives would be like without you. We are so proud of you and we can't wait to see what your 3rd year of life has in store. Surely it will be an adventure.

We love you, Mia Cookie.

Mommy and Daddy

On Turning Two

Me: "Cookie, next week will be your birthday. You'll be two years old." I hold up my index and middle finger to indicate "two".

Cookie: holds up her two fingers and says... "Two! Peace!"

Peace. Indeed.

Honey Bun Progress

At 4 1/2 months old, Honey Bun weighs 13 lbs., 8 oz. and is 23.5 inches long - that's 50th percentile for weight, and about 25 percentile for length - so she's thriving. And her 2nd tooth on the bottom has popped through. Her shots did a real number on her, though, so she feels miserable and is letting us know.

We met our permanency worker yesterday, and she's amazing. We are waiting for HB's birth certificate and one other document before the 161 TPR paperwork can go to legal counsel and then on to the court. It could be a little while longer than we wanted, but we're on track. Our worker processed her first TPR in 1997, and proudly told us she had never lost an argument for one with a judge because she does her homework. Thank you, Lord!

They are absolutely not going to look for a biological father since there is a legal father. Even though his incarceration guarantees he is not her biological father, birthmom had her chance to prove who was the father and she failed that chance.

We're in a pretty progressive state...which sounds like an odd thing to say about Kentucky. When I asked the social worker about not having to go back to birthmom for another guess at the biological father, so said, "Oh, we don't do that anymore. That approach fell by the wayside long ago. When there's a legal father in a termination case, we'll go with the legal father and our judges agree." Wow. Nice.

I'm writing my own presentation summary based on Cookie's but just changing the information to fit Honey Bun.

Michael and I are knee-deep in final grading for the semester, and grades are due on Monday. I hope the Lord understands when we skip church tomorrow to finish grading. :)

As Ma*ury Pov*ich Would Say...

"In the case of baby Honey Bun...Alleged Biodad, you are NOT the father."

Yup - DNA results are back. Big fat negative.

The case will now default back to Biomom's husband (who is incarcerated as well) as the state recognizes the legal spouse as the father of the child unless proven otherwise. Because in this case it wasn't proven otherwise, the state isn't going to go through the hassle of looking for anyone else. Biomom likely prostitutes herself for drugs, so finding a biological father is unlikely anyway.

Social worker is coming to the house on Friday to put together the paperwork for TPR - this will be on the same birthparents as Cookie, so it will be a slam dunk. She wants it over quickly. She called yesterday with the news and says she is going to finish the paperwork this weekend after we meet and turn it into court next week to get a date for TPR. This means we could have a court date for TPR in January 08, and adopt in the spring.

I was also told to go ahead and work on the medical paperwork and putting together things for the presentation summary myself (since I have all the documents anyway). That will make life easier for everyone involved since presenting any summary to me written by anyone else is a joke anyway - we've had both of these girls from birth and we already have Cookie's presentation summary on the birth parents. History doesn't change.

I'll be scrambling until Friday to pull things together.

So happy to report progress!

Cookie's Discovery

Last night while sitting on her potty, Cookie decided to entertain herself while I worked on putting away laundry in the bedroom. After a few minutes she emerged with a Kotex pad and exclaimed "mommy diaper" and then attempted to put it on herself.

The entertainment factor is extraordinary.

Honey Bun's Progress

At a little over 4 months old now, Honey Bun has one tooth fully erupted and it's neighbor tooth is about to push through. The drool is incredible!

In addition, we finally have roll-over. She started rolling over last week - about the same time the first tooth came through. Now she rolls over like a champ, and it seems like every time we check on her in the night she is asleep on her tummy (though we always put her down on her back). We don't bother to put her back now that she's so strong.

She's reaching out and grabbing things like toys on a toy bar now, and struggling to get things just out of reach.

She "talks" like crazy and smiles constantly with her whole face. She's just beautiful.

We don't have to wrap her into a baby burrito as much anymore. She seems to be quite peaceful.

Bath time is still a lot of work. Her last bath was the first one in her short little life that she didn't scream until she was beet red. She stared cautiously, but was still not happy about the whole thing. I've never seen a baby not love a bath, so I'm at a loss for how to make it better for her. I'm just assuming she'll outgrow the fear.

She's still pretty tiny - just now getting into the 3-6 month gear. She goes for her 4-month checkup and shots later this week, so we'll see how she's doing size-wise then.

Other than that, we're still praying for a speedy case.

Cookie will turn 2 on December 20th. Amazing how time has flown.

I'm Now Thinking About...

what steps we will take next to PREVENT pregnancy (the chances would be a million to one, but anything is possible that isn't actively prevented). That sounds so odd considering where I was last year. But two is plenty for us. We are busting out of our 3 br/2.5 bath house of 1850sq. feet as it is (and that isn't considered a "small" house by some standards). We are done. Besides, when biomom gets out of jail one day she will still need a way to get her cocaine. She does produce lovely babies. But we are fairly convinced that if she produces more, those children will have to become part of yet another family. It's OK, it's someone else's turn to be blessed. Preventing pregnancy...now that's a hoot.

Hanging in There

I'm constantly on the go anymore, and no real time to write or reflect. It's typical for this point in the semester and the upcoming holidays.

Update on abused student: she won't go to police or get a restraining order because she has bench warrants out on HER. Lovely. She dropped the class today. She's with her mom. I didn't ask her anything because I could be subpoenaed should any case ever got to court. It's in the hands of college counselors and social services now, and from what I gathered today, she's relatively safe.

The girls are doing great. Honey Bun has cut her first tooth on the bottom, and it looks like its neighbor will break the surface any day now as well. She's handling it like a champ. She, unlike her big sister, sleeps in the crib and isn't nearly as clingy. She still enjoys being held, but it isn't as all-consuming as it was (and still is) with Cookie.

I've learned some good lessons this semester of teaching - many of which will propel me to be less of a push-over next semester. I'm learning why so many of my older professors were just downright mean. They'd had their fill. Honestly, if I only had this semester of teaching to base my opinions of college students on (as opposed to every semester since 1994), I'd be convinced the world was going to end any day now. I'm still scared for the future, and perhaps I shall share some horror stories later.

Meanwhile, I'm going to go crank out a final exam review guide that few will even use. *sigh*

Reporting Abuse

For the first time in my life, I called the hotline to report abuse. One of my students admitted to me that she was being beaten and verbally abused (and even SPIT ON - WTF??) in front of her two children. To top it too, she is 2 months pregnant with his baby. And she wouldn't leave because she "couldn't afford to live". Um...she just hooked up with him 4 months ago. Again...WTF???

So, I did what I had to do. I reported it. After all, she had told me everything. I had a legal responsibility.

And this morning I got a call that the student had left a message for me that she was beaten badly last night and finally fled to her mom's house. But what about those 2 kids who see it all? Who's taking care of them? Shame on her for moving in with a guy she'd just met with a 14 yr. old son and a 9 yr. old daughter.

Research on domestic violence tells us that abuse is 33 TIMES more likely in a situation where a mother and her children cohabitate with a man that is not the children's father. 33 TIMES more likely. Not 33%...33 TIMES.

Even though it should have been easy, it wasn't easy to make that report. It sucked. I now know why so few people are willing to intervene. It is hard to make yourself get involved. It is, however, a matter of life or death.

No News Is Good News

SW visited this morning, and court was uneventful. The DNA test results are not back yet, and she still has to go through the entire case file to complete the required paperwork for TPR (why she hasn't done that yet is beyond me). Alleged biodad has had no contact with the cabinet, and the biomom asked her social worker if the baby was OK and where she was. She was told that the baby is doing fine and with her sister in the adoptive family. Hopefully that will be enough to convince her to voluntarily relinquish rights this time. I would have thought the 3rd time would have been a charm, but maybe the 4th will be different. No more court dates are scheduled as we simply have to wait for DNA results and the social worker to put together the paperwork. I hate waiting.

This Time 2 Years Ago...

I was crying a lot.
We'd been through 4 foster children who were at high risk to not be returned to parents who all went to live with other relatives - two were newborn baby boys.
It was the holidays and I was reluctant to put up a Christmas tree with only my husband and I to appreciate it.
I cried out loud to God a lot and told him how unfair it all felt. I also apologized out loud to God for feeling that way.
Against the advice of social workers not to stay in town and avoid travel in hopes of getting a placement, we did just that. We bought no plane tickets and decided to stay home.
On December 21st, 2005, I cried all the way home from work. I sobbed out loud in the car as I drove. I just wanted a child to spend Christmas with. And on December 22nd a social worker brought Cookie to us.
It rained all day today, and it reminded me of the very dark place I was in two years ago at this time of year.
The holidays are tough for those who want children so much and yet can't (or don't yet) have them.
I write this to remind us all that in the darkest places there is hope that burns so bright.
Watching my daughter play with the Christmas decorations while my soon-to-be youngest daughter sleeps in my arms is simply amazing given that two years ago my heart ached so much.
There is always hope. Even when we have abandoned it, it's still there.
If your heart isn't yet out of the dark place, please know I've been there.

Court Today

Today Honey Bun's social worker goes before the judge to determine if all is in order to request a date for the TPR hearing. I'm praying the DNA test results have been processed. I'm praying for wisdom for the SW and the judge. I'm praying there are no surprises.

Tomorrow morning the SW comes to our house for her monthly home visit. I scheduled it that way on purpose.

Honey Bun will be 4 months old on Friday. I'm grateful so much is going on that is on her behalf, and that it is happening so quickly (compared to the vast majority of states and cases going on today).

Christmas Decorations

Yesterday we went to Big Lots and stocked up on decorations. Cookie even got to pick out something - a small red fiberoptic tinsel tree that is battery operated. She loves that tree so much that last night she insisted on SLEEPING with her new tree.

Things That Honestly Don't Bother Me

In light of how often I write about things that bother me, I figured it was worthwhile to write about things that don't.

When people ask about Michael and I as a bi-racial couple
Asking promotes understanding - which over time and experience can lead to acceptance, tolerance, and even appreciation. People as about how our families reacted to our relationship and marriage. They ask about discrimination. I'm happy to talk about it as I strongly believe openness is the first step in healing. I do, however, remind people that I am but one person and I am not the spokeswoman for biracial marriage.

When people stare at our family when we are out and about
Honestly, I'm very proud. I've got a drop-dead sexy espresso-skinned husband and two beautiful cream-skinned daughters. Who wouldn't look at us? Oh, and I have great big boobs. I'm sure they are really just astonished and can't help themselves.

When people ask Michael and I if one or both of our obviously white daughters is ours
I love to talk about adoption. I love the opportunity to tell people just how many waiting children there are in our county. I love to share our story with whoever is willing to listen. I wish more people would ask and sit for a spell - and then go tell someone else.

When people ask if we adopted because we couldn't have biological children
We absolutely did. I was devastated to learn I was infertile. I was terribly depressed (and medicated). I grieved hard, prayed hard, and cried a whole lot. We tried treating my PCOS. Michael took measures to boost hormone levels and sperm count and quality. But there comes a day when you simply know it's not worth it. A good internet buddy whom I've never met IRL (hi Cindy) shared with me her feelings about fertility treatments and what they could do to me/us/our marriage. She encouraged me to seek marriage counseling. We did. We went, we saw, we persevered. We kicked butt. We quit trying to conceive and asked God for a child. He gave us two. That's a pretty sweet deal. Now I love sharing the story.

When people ask if we considered IVF or even a surrogate
In this case, I like the opportunity to educate people about costs, risks, and low success rates of all kinds of fertility treatments. I am also keen on telling people of the risks associated with pregnancy after 35. The media downplays the risks. They are tremendous to both mother and baby (let alone the marriage). We never considered surrogacy. A child having our DNA was not important to us. The lengths that some will go to in order to produce offspring is astonishing to me. I'll admit that I just don't "get it". Of course, I also have seen the children who come into care who will need to be adopted. It's hard to know that and be so hell-bent on procreating.

When people ask why we opted for adopting through foster care as opposed to a private domestic or international adoption
Cost, baby! Few people know the costs of adoption. I'm glad to tell them all about it! I'm also very happy to tell them that Cookie's adoption cost us a whopping $86. That's correct. Eighty-six dollars. We kept the bill from the attorney. The state got billed their $1,000 and we got billed for the remainder. Shame on me for emailing her so much. It could have been free had she not billed out those 15 minute emails!
Of course, in addition to cost are the children. In our county, there are approximately 700 kids in foster care at any given time. Only about half will ever be able to be reunited. Our state has an enormous meth and cocaine problem, so if people are willing to deal with babies born drug addicted, they are very likely to be able to adopt.
Our state is a national model for the family court system. We are so fortunate for the changes made here by progressive judges in the 90s.

When people ask how our case is going, or if we know anything else
I feel the support. Sometimes you do get tired of saying, "No, we don't know anything", but I've learned to say it with a smile. In fact, now we say, "Nope, just enjoying our family." The vast majority of people who asked are trying to show support and truly want us to be finished with all this as quickly as possible.

And for those of you who are curious - next court date is Nov. 26th. It's for the judge and social worker to determine if we are ready to schedule TPR dates. We are hoping all of the DNA tests are back by that date.

My Oldest's Antics

While throwing food on the floor, she says in the most stern voice she can muster:
"No Mia - EAT!"

While looking at my boobs, points to one of the many age spots, and says:
"Mole!"

While sitting on the airplane awaiting takeoff for far too long, she looks around and shouts:
"Ready!"

And The New Name Will Be...

(insert dramatic musical interlude here)

We have decided on what Honey Bun's new name will be after the adoption (that we are now choosing to claim).

Her name will be Rebekah Ileana.

In other news, Michael took her to court on Thursday for her part of the DNA test. Her alleged biodad has already been and given his sample for testing. So now the 4-6 week wait begins for news. (Though a student of mine just had one done for her granddaughter and said it only took 3 weeks.)

Michael said the floor of the courthouse where the testing was done was standing room only - and testing is done once a week - every week. There were 4 "church pews" that were all full of people waiting for testing and many more standing. He also said there was much M*aury P*ovich show-like behavior going on which made him actually believe that what is on those "who my baby daddy" shows might actually be true.

The testing was just a cheek swab, but it took about 45 minutes for them to be seen even though he arrived by 8:30 in the morning. Amazing that there are that many people out there who don't know who the "baby daddy" is. So sad.

Next court date is November 26th to determine if all is lined up and ready to schedule the TPR date. Lisa mentioned how fast things happen in our state, and while that seems to be generally true, there are others whose cases have taken longer than ours. I don't know why we have been so blessed with quick turn-arounds, heavenly social workers, and a judge who does not suffer fools. From what I do know about our city, it appears we have 3 or 4 fabulous family court judges and 1 absolute nutjob. From what I heard about her, if we got a placement that was assigned to that judge, I would have asked for that child to be moved. I am dead serious. She is that awful (and new to the bench). Because Honey Bun's case is with the same birth mother, her case remains with the judge that was Cookie's judge throughout her case and adoption. So our judge knows the whole story - and us. It's no surprise then that she granted the goal change and supports TPR and adoption.

We're going to FL soon for an extended weekend, and my folks are driving over to where we are staying and getting a hotel room there too. It will be their first time seeing Honey Bun. I know they are excited and very nervous considering the horror stories and realities of the many children who are sent back to family after being in foster care for a long time - or even after promises of TPR to come. I can't wait though - they are going to fall in love all over again.

This Could Have Been My Girls...

This could have easily been my girls in this situation:

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/5247464.html

Why some are spared and some are not remains one of the greatest mysteries to me. I can only pray that these children will be adopted, too.

My girls' birthparents are all cocaine addicts. My girls will never, ever have to experience a life like these children have. I wish I could save them all. I wish I could do more. I pray this encourages more families to foster and adopt. Here's 8 kids who desperately need families.

God, I don't understand why my girls were able to avoid this kind of existence while other children suffer. I am grateful, but humbled. Please keep these children safe. Please send them to permanent families that will never, ever abuse or neglect them ever again. Please show me ways I can do more.

GOAL CHANGED!!

The best news so far:

This week there was a court hearing for Honey Bun in which the new social worker petitioned for Honey Bun's goal to be changed from "return to parents" to "ADOPTION". And it was granted!

At the same time, she petitioned to deny services to incarcerated biomom, and that was GRANTED! Biomom isn't eligible for parole until May 08, and it isn't expected to be awarded then.

The social worker hasn't talked to alleged biodad, but he may have already gone for his DNA testing. I will be taking Honey Bun in on Thursday at 8:30 am for her part. At that point they will tell me if alleged biodad has done his part as well.

The next court date is November 26th. At that point, the social worker will appear before the judge and they will make sure all is in order for the TPR petition. Then, she will get a court date for TPR! They are wasting no time.

Even if alleged biodad turns up a positive match, they will petition to deny services and TPR on him. He's a vastly inappropriate placement. He would also have to pay child support to the state. If he makes contact, SW will counsel him to relinquish his rights voluntarily. Social worker says it would be best to get a positive DNA test as the legal paperwork would be faster and "tidier". If that's what she says, then that's what I'll pray for.

So, at best we will get at TPR date around the end of this year/beginning of next year. At worst, the DNA test will be negative and it will take an extra few months to do the legal work on legal husband as father and terminate his rights.

At any rate, I got all the answers I needed. I asked if there was any serious risk of Honey Bun leaving. I got a confident "No." I told the social worker how scared I was. She totally understood, and was very kind. She has 25 cases right now, and she's anxious to turn this one over to an adoption worker as soon as humanly possible. She's familiar enough with the case to know that TPR will be a major celebration.

This is indeed the best news we could have gotten at this point.

We celebrated with Chinese takeout. It was delicious. We are relieved.

Please leave Honey Bun your congratulations in the comments! She's one step closer to permanency! I'll put your comments in her lifebook. :)

The New Social Worker DOES Exist!

...and she actually returned my call. She seemed extremely busy/preoccupied and just called to set the appointment with us for this month's home visit. We are supposed to meet tomorrow (Friday) at 4. I don't know how much she will know at that point. If she was just handed the case, it may very well be that WE will do more telling HER what the family history is. At any rate, we have a worker who has scheduled a visit. If she shows up as promised, those of you who took voted it would be before November 1st would have been correct. Of course, I may have helped out the cause by actually calling them...again.

Things I want to ask her tomorrow:
Have you talked with the alleged biodad? If so, what are his intentions?
How much do we know about this alleged biodad and his criminal background? Have you run the CBC on him yet?
How long does he have to go get the DNA testing done? Do we have to take Honey Bun in too?
When will you act for TPR on her birthmom who is incarcerated?
If alleged biodad does not prove to be the biological father, then what happens?
If he does prove to be the biodad, will Honey Bun have to go to visits?
Could Honey Bun go to him or his family? If that were to happen, how would you assure Honey Bun would be protected from biomom when she gets out of jail?
When will the next court date be, and what will happen at that next court session?

What I really want to know, but won't ask:
Who's really looking out for Honey Bun's best interest? Does the law actually take HER into account, or just the abusive drug addict felons - one with 3 prior involuntary TPRs against her?
Who's looking out for the best interest of MY DAUGHTER and the fact that you have placed HER SISTER with her to be raised as HER SISTER, and yet the goal remains "return to parents".
Who is looking out for Cookie, and how she feels in all this (besides us)?
Who is looking out for Michael and I in all this? Who is looking out for the best interest of OUR family? How are you going to ensure that is considered as well?

Let me assure you, no matter what happens with the state, we are prepared to fight. Michael assured me that we will do ALL we can to make sure Honey Bun does not leave. I will work round the clock scraping road kill if I have to. On next week, my baby girl will be 3 months old. We are the only mommy and daddy she has ever known (except Ms. Ann who did respite care for her first week home from the hospital - God Bless Ms. Ann). We are her parents. We were given 2 minutes to decide if we wanted to take her and come back from Florida. Yet this alleged biodad has had MONTHS to get off his butt and decide to do something. That's not fair. He should have had 2 minutes as well.

I will be play nice tomorrow. But Ms. New Social Worker will not be leaving until I am satisfied that she has answered my questions. She'll be on my turf, and it's my turn to get some answers. I've waited long enough for a visit and conversation - that's the least we deserve.

Oh, Great

Honey Bun's alleged biodad had contacted the county attorney's office to get set up to prove paternity. If he is the biological father, it will open up all kinds of potential for Honey Bun to be placed with any member of his family - even if he isn't a fit parent. My heart just stopped beating for a while.

She's been assigned her new worker - but I only learned THAT and the news above because I CALLED the supervisor. I hate that. I just hate it.

Update: It's midnight Tuesday night/Wed. morning. I can't sleep. I came home from teaching today and spilled my heart to Michael, who listened patiently while the girls were asleep. I cried. This is the first time I have cried in fear of loosing this child. I cried with Cookie's case, but there was a lot then that I didn't know. I feel wiser now, and more jaded. Michael feels very confident that Honey Bun isn't going anywhere - ever. I wish I felt that confident and calm.

When Honey Bun woke up at 10 tonight I fed her a fresh warm bottle, and she never took those huge grey-blue eyes off my face. She feels as if she came from my body in the same way Cookie feels that way to me.

Each morning Cookie runs into the nursery and sticks her hand through the bars of the crib to grab her sister's tiny hand. She usually cheerfully (and loudly) announces "Hi Sissy!" and grins the biggest grin. I can't imagine that not being there.

This is the hardest job I have ever had. Yet, ironically, it is the best as well.

2nd Time Around Observations

Observations of the day:
1 - With our second child, there is much less angst and guilt involved in simply putting a wailing baby (who is obviously well, fed and changed, etc.) down in her crib and closing the door, and going about your business for a few minutes.

That used to freak me out to the point I would cry.

Now, I'm blogging for a moment while Honey Bun "cries it out" in the next room. She's fine. She's just extremely cranky today, and I refuse to let that rain on my Kentucky vs. Florida parade.

2 - It is much easier to put the baby to bed awake and even let her "fuss it out" if she's been fed and changed and held for a while beforehand.

It used to be so hard to even think about putting Cookie down. Now, bedtime is fantastic. Some days it can't come soon enough. I bring Honey Bun into bed on occasion when I'm really exhausted and she won't settle down. But those are much fewer the 2nd time around.

3 - I don't think near as many things are "my fault". If my baby isn't happy and smiling, it likely has little to do with me. There, I said it. :)

Student Question of the Year

When passing out the midterm exam in my 400-level, Persuasion class (in the major!), a student looks up and asks, "Is this a test??"

I reply, "It's the midterm exam" and calmly proceed to pass out the rest of the copies to the class.

I do not know how I kept from either cussing him out, smacking him upside his fool head, or laughing so hard I wet my pants. All of the above entered my mind.

(And, yes, I know what you are wondering. He did fail the exam.)

At Age 36...

...I am now the proud owner of my first BRAND NEW car ever. We bought a Saturn VUE over the weekend, and it feels downright luxurious. I highly recommend the heated leather seats, XM radio, and OnStar complete with your own phone number that rings right into your car and allows you to make calls with the push of a button and just talk as you drive. I swear, I think I'm having an affair with my car. Every time I look in the garage, I can't believe it. No more car shopping! Woo hoo!!

And I must say, the experience at Saturn was great. It was downright humane. We were treated like people, respected, and never pressured to do a thing. Every move was ours. And I walked away knowing that I would refer anyone to that dealership any time. Now that is one good experience. Imagine actually recommending a car dealership? And no, this isn't one of those blog-ads either. I really, really enjoyed picking out the car and buying it. it was a breeze once we got there.

Oh, and it's dark blue with tan leather interior. Delicious! Michael says I look good in it. :)

Heard At Our House Today...

Setting: 7:30 am - a baby can be heard wailing from the nursery

Cookie: (jumping up out of bed) Baby cry! (Cookie runs into nursery)
Cookie: (standing by the crib of said wailing baby) Don't cry baby!


Setting: the scene opens as Cookie runs into the closet and hides behind the clothes for the 2,347th game of "Where's Cookie?"

Mommy: Where's Cookie? Where did she go?
(giggling can be heard from behind the clothes)
Mommy: Is Cookie in the closet?
Faint Voice: Nooooo.
Mommy: She's not?
Faint Voice: No, NOT!

Today's Devotion

I tell you, I think I am one of the most blessed people on the face of the earth.

Jeremiah 33:3
"Call upon me, and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

Indeed, I had no idea that when I called upon the Lord to bring me a child, that this is where I would be today.

"Give thanks to the Lord Almighty, for the Lord is good; his love endure forever."

As Jeremiah 33 shows us, the Lord will first judge his people, and then restore them in ways that they could never have imagined.

Honey Bun

This was taken a few weeks ago, but it took a while to get them back, and for us to get around to scanning and posting. Check out the hair on the kid!

A Closed Door Opens

The family that adopted Cookie's 2 older siblings a year before she was born had previously had a closed adoption (even closed from us). They just contacted the cabinet office, and asked to be able to get in touch with us. The two children have had liver and heart problems, so they are coming out of their private state to be able to share medical information with us. They live in another county, and I have no idea how the conversation will go over the phone. I thrilled, and scared at the same time. The two kids went through hell on earth. My kids didn't. My heart breaks for them. I am so grateful they are now willing to let themselves be known to us, and share whatever information they have. What a miracle!

My latest struggles - Cookie biting other kids at daycare on occasion & having horrendous night terrors (google it - they are NOT nightmares, and will scare the ish outta you - you will think your kid is possessed and/or having a seizure).

My latest praises - Cookie now pee-pees and poopies in her potty just about every day. She's still in diapers, but she loves sitting on her potty while mommy sits on her potty (we do our business together - it's both weird and cool). She also loves dumping her pee-pee and poopie in the big potty and then flusing it, waving to the waste and shouting "Bye bye pee pee!! Bye bye poo poo!!" What a ham.
Honey Bun is down to 2 wake-ups in the night (around 1 or 2 and then at 4 0r 5). She slept in the big crib in the other room last night for the first time, and Michael put on the new Bruce Hornsby jazz CD, which apparently is good for baby sleep.

Off to finish writing a midterm exam review guide for my students...ciao.

Dang It

The reason that we haven't had a visit from Honey Bun's social worker is...(dum dah dah dum)

She's leaving and taking a new job. (insert sarcastic gasp and look of shock here)

Seasoned foster parents know this routine far too well. You wait and wait to find out what's going on in your child's case only to find out that nothing is going on and nothing will be going on for a while.

We learned of this from our R&C worker last night who did her quarterly home visit with us and went over our yearly renewal. She was the one to tell us - not the worker herself (whom we have never seen or heard from). The worker had apparently promised our R&C worker that she would come last night as well. She never showed. That's when our worker let us know her guess as to why.

I asked if we will get a visit this month. Her answer : "Well, since Friday is the last day of the month, then it's not likely."

I asked if we will get a new worker and a visit in October. Her answer: "I wouldn't count on it."

Dang it. (hence the title)

I asked her about the named biodad. If he doesn't take the DNA test to prove he is the father, it will default to J's husband (a husband is always the assumed legal father until proven otherwise) who is in jail for another 7 years, and voluntarily terminated his rights to Cookie when it came down to the wire. No one knows if HE knows his wife had another child with another man. Oh the drama.

So it looks like the best case scenario would be if he never shows face again. Then at the next court date, they will ask to deny services, then they will ask for another court date to change the goal to adoption, then another court date for TPR. It would still be a long process, but it could go about as fast as Cookie's case did (a total of 15 months to her adoption day).

I'm praying her never takes the DNA test. If he tests out as the father, it opens up a whole different time line of offering services and a case plan for him, offering visits, opening up his extended family as potential takers of Honey Bun. Awful stuff we don't want to think about.

So, let's pray he disappears. Our worker is under the impression he is back in jail, or still in jail. Who really knows.

But Honey Bun is doing great - and smiling. And Cookie is learning new words every day. Her cool words at dinner last night: salad, seeds (sunflower for her salad), olives, and hummus (yes, I eat hummus and Cookie loves it too on toasted pita bread). She must have said each of those words 20 times, she was so impressed with herself. Hummus!

Please pray for us to get a new worker for Honey Bun quickly. I think I'll wait a week or so, and then call the supervisor and ask her directly. Until then, prayers for a good worker!

No News Must Be Good, Right?

Honey Bun will be 8 weeks old on Tuesday. We have a name and number for her social worker, but to date have gotten no phone call or email, and certainly no home visit. I called once several weeks ago, and talked to the supervisor, who asked if everything was OK and assured me that there was no news to report.

Anyone know how long birth dad will have to get his DNA testing done after being court ordered to do so? When we had the team meeting on August 14th, the court order had already been set? What would happen to him if he just didn't do it?

These are questions I'd like answered. We're happy being a family, but some days it's hard to ignore the truth of her status: "return to parent". The legal system will take a very long time.

Still, now Michael and I are taking bets on how long it takes to get even a call from Honey Bun's social worker. The over-under is November 1st. Anyone want to place a bet?

See, everyone in our cabinet office knows us, and knows we are a good family who recently adopted. And now we have Honey Bun. And all is well. With case loads of kids and families in crisis, we inevitably often fall to the bottom of the pile. And that usually doesn't bother me. Most days I appreciate knowing we are a "taken for granted" family just waiting for the justice system wheels to turn their slow turns.

We will see our R&C worker this Wed. for our quarterly home visit, and will ask her about it. Until then, I'll be taking your bets. So, what say you - before or after November 1st?

Cardiologist Says...

nothing to worry about!
Honey Bun had an EKG and an Echocardiogram (complete with ultrasound jelly all over her tiny chest)
Tests detected a small (2mm) opening that is normal for about 25% of the population (if it is what they think it is)
She will be listened to again at age 1 and have another ultrasound at about age 3
If there is any problem, it can be corrected without major surgery

And, no...no cardiomyopathy
Without knowing BM's family history, doctor said he would attribute it to cocaine use (70% of users have an enlarged heart)

Whew.

No need to check out Cookie until she is about 3 or 4 either, and even then it would just be a precaution since she shows no signs of trouble.

Praise God!

Cardiologist

appointment is Fri morning for Honey Bun
please pray that her birth mom's drug use caused her own cardiomyopathy, and not genetics
please pray Honey Bun has a healthy heart
if it turns out to be genetic and Honey Bun is affected, my Cookie will have to be tested too
this is the scariest doctor's appointment I will have had to go to yet
and yet i know most of you have endured far worse

A Cookie Story

Last night when I came home from teaching, Cookie was VERY happy to see me and ran and gave me a huge hug

I sat on the floor with her and she began tugging on the sleeve of my blouse...hard

then she went over to my other side and began tugging at the other sleeve...hard

then she came in front of me and tried to unbutton my blouse..all this very deliberately and quietly

I then asked her "Cookie, what are you doing??"

She looked me in the eye and firmly replied, "WOOBIE!"

"Oh, I'm wearing the silky shirt you like. It's one of your woobies. You want me to take it off and give it to you?"

rapid head nods from the Cookie

I (of course) take it off and give it to her so now I am sitting in my dress pants and bra in the livingroom floor, and Michael is very amused

Cookie takes the shirt with much gusto, and holds it up to her face

She then comes over back in front of me and stick one of her chubby hands in EACH of my bra cups so that each of her hands is tucked in a boob-pocket

She then sits in front of me with her "woobie" draped over her with her hands in my bra

And life was good

She grinned and grinned and said "Boobie!"

And to think there was once a time when I worried that I would not be able to fully bond with an adopted child.

Day Care, Naming, and Other Random Thoughts

Today was the first day of daycare for my baby girl, and it was certainly easier on me than Cookie's first day was. There were no tears, and only a small amount of nervous energy. I called my husband who happened to be writing from home this afternoon, and declared my envy over the fact that he got to enjoy the first moments of a child-free work zone BEFORE I did.

(I've mostly recovered from my recent I-hate-him slump.)

Cookie's doing great, and running faster and getting into more mischief than I can count (or wish to contemplate). Honey Bun is closer to having a real-life name chosen by us, as we've narrowed down our list of names to a mere 4 choices: Rebekah, Ileana, Abigail, and Deborah. Her middle name is likely to be Grace. I feel excited that we've at least gotten this far, and we've agreed on most every step. But Honey Bun deserves a nice name, and deserves to be called that last name as early as possible. The folks at daycare even want to put her "new" name on her things and her crib, even though her legal name will be what it is for quite some time to come. I mean, legally she's still classified as "return to parent" as the goal. But we have faith. We have to. There is no other option.

Honey Bun is 6 weeks old today, and getting meatier and prettier each day. She focuses more on things around her, and on our faces. She drinks much more formula, and belches like a grown man. She even sleeps pretty well. She's a definite snuggle-bug, and we're grateful for that.

Still no word from her permanent social worker. We have our quarterly meeting with our R&C worker tomorrow evening, but that is just to make sure we're still sane and appropriate, and relatively tidy (LOL). I've called the cabinet office, and there's been no development in Honey Bun's case, giving everyone the feeling that no biological family member (including the named bio-dad) is very interested. So, we're proceeding as if she is our daughter too. Again, it's all we can do. We're sold out. I don't even want to speculate as to what would happen if she were to leave. I just can't fathom it. It's Cookie's sister. Even she's attached. I picked up Cookie from daycare the other day, and unlike every other day, I didn't have the baby with me (she was at school with Michael), and Cookie was WORRIED. All the way home in the backseat she kept pointing to the empty carseat base next to her and babbling about "baby bye bye" and "bakldb ajdbad BABY!!" (whatever that means). Clearly, she was NOT HAPPY about the absence of the baby. Every night she has to have her time to hold and pet the baby (either on the sofa, or on the bed, or sitting on the floor), and sometimes she asks me to pick up the baby and hold her up to her so she can give her a full-body hug (which is awkward and VERY cute).

I'm pleased to report Cookie is now sleeping in HER OWN BED - woo hooo!! Cosleeping was awesome, but it was time. We got her a toddler bed with Elmo bedding and that was that. Suddenly she had the better of the options for sleep. No fighting. It's nice not to be kicked in the back anymore.

Words my Cookie says on a regular basis that I find amusing enough to share:

"Mess!" (while admiring her work)
"Oh no Macy!" (while reprimanding cat)
"Whatz she doin'?" (while chasing one of the cats)
"Where did it go?" (playing hide and seek with toys)
"MINE! and NO!" (the only two words to "This Little Light of Mine" that she sings...the No! comes in response to the Hide it under a bushel? line)
"Baby night night" (when she sees the baby sleeping)
"Baby bath" (when she sees baby's in-sink bathtub)
"Pee pee" or "Poopie" (telling me which one is in her diaper that needs changing)
"Pizza pie!" (Michael taught her that one - and she gets very excited whenever we have pizza now)
"Marsh" (after reading a kids magazine about birds that live in the marsh, she found the word to be fabulous, and repeated the word for days on end - for no apparent reason)
"Boobie" (she loves putting her hand down my shirt and rubbing them - for comfort - and who knows, maybe good luck)
"Woobie" (for her woobies - blankets, lovies, and my soft pjs that she drags all over the house and into bed with her
"Meat" (her word for steak, or any hunk of protein)

Her favorite game is hiding behind the clothes in the closet and loudly asking in a sing-song voice "Where did she go?" and giggling (hoping I'll attempt to "try" to find her by asking "Where's Cookie? Where did she go?). There is much giggling and the game can go on WAY longer than I have stamina for it.

It's almost 1 am. I should go to bed and enjoy two sleeping girls. :)