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Friday, October 24, 2008

Alive...But Barely Kickin'

I'm not sure what to even write, or how to begin a post. I can barely stop crying long enough to type. It's been a tough month for me, and in so many ways I just don't know why. I suppose it's best to start with what I do know.

First, I'm extremely depressed. I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings, and when I do go to bed, I find it hard to sleep. I thought I had a form of post-adoption depression. But my kids don't make me sad - in fact, most all of the joy in my life comes from them. I've dealt with depression my entire adult life (and looking back, probably even earlier than that). I have a wonderful physician, and manage the depression with a low-risk medical regimen. I've learned that I can't medicate the tough times away, and I don't want to be so medicated that I feel numb (although that seems appealing at the moment).

I feel very, very lonely. Mainly I feel lonely in my marriage. It's not that I feel a need for friends, or someone to go out with (though it would probably be nice). I also don't feel like there's anyone on the face of the earth that I can truly talk to or who would really care, or who even wants to understand me.

I feel like I have no husband (that I've felt much longer than a month - really for most of the time I've been married, though there are times I just make the most of the situation. M's a great dad tot he girls. But to be frank, I've decided he's incapable of truly loving another human being. We will never have intimacy. Never. And I'm through trying. I'm just going to stick it out because I love my girls more than my own life and they deserve both parents. But I married someone who doesn't know what it means to love someone, or share a life with someone. It was a mistake. But I can't do anything about it now. We talked about separating, but when it came to figuring out custody issues, I couldn't get past what it would do to the girls. So I stopped working on leaving. Instead I'll just have what I did in my first marriage - a roommate.

I'm teaching 5 classes this semester - on part-time pay. So I make nothing and teach my ass off. And I'm not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. My students are slackers who have lied and pissed me off to my limit. I don't want to step foot in the classroom one more time this term. The last straw was a black student who went all the way to the top to complain about me teaching on "the n-word" in class and how unprofessional and offensive I was (despite the fact I teach a class in interpersonal communication, a section on language, and never even USE to flippin' word - yet a documentary I showed pushed him over the edge.). I've spent the last two weeks dealing with this guy and feeling like the biggest failure in the world (and wondering if every other black student I have is thinking the same thing, but too afraid to go to my supervisor). For those who know my story, claiming I'm a racist or trying to do anything BESIDES better the lives of my black students, colleagues, and friends - well, is quite a stretch. But it's been such a blow to my entire self-concept that I can barely think about teaching. My classroom has become my personal hell. I cry in the car on the way to campus, and I cry all the way home. I'm so tired of apologizing for being white. So tired of walking on eggshells around every black student because of my whiteness. Oh, and in the end the student got what he wanted - now he gets to finish the class as an independent study with my (very sympathetic) supervisor. Because he got offended, and he's black, so he gets catered to.

Man, I wish every time I've been offended in life I had just complained angrily enough. Just think of all the catering-to I'd have gotten.

But it's because I'm white. And I tried to teach about the history and transformation of the "n-word". And I don't have the social permission to do that. Not because of my education or experience, but because I'm WHITE. So I'm evil. Of course. Evil white bitch. That's me.

Got in a fight with my husband for caring too much that his family apparently has no desire to even meet his youngest daughter (they've never seen her - and have no plans to). I think it sucks. It hurts my feelings. But HE got mad at ME for feeling that way. Fabulous. And we yelled and fought about it. Because, of course, I dared talk about his family. Then it got turned around on me about my family and how horrible they are. He said he thinks my folks are just being nice to him because their worst fear is that I'll die before him and they'll never see their granddaughters again. He thinks they are just having a relationship with me now to get to the girls - that they really care nothing about me, or having a relationship with us. So I asked him how old his girls could be that it would bother him that his folks hadn't met them, or seen them - and he said it would never bother him.

Again, more sense of isolation. We are here - our families are elsewhere. And he wants no intimacy with them, or with mine. And even though my folks say they want a relationship and do everything they can to make that happen, my husband claims its all a lie to get to see the girls. Wonderful.

It's a miracle I even speak to my husband anymore. He obviously cares little about me on any substantive level. I don't think he wants to see me hit by a mac truck or anything, but as far as truly love me - no. Absolutely not. It's this truth that hurts the most.

Rebekah's baptism will be Dec. 21st and my folks and brother and SIL are all driving up here for it. Michael will be here, but I'd bet my life that he barely speaks to anyone and makes himself scarce. Good times. Everyone in his family is obviously "too busy" to come. The truth is it just isn't important to them. We've offered to buy bus tickets (they won't fly). We've offered to pay for everything, but our offers are always declined.

It's no wonder my husband can't have a relationship with me - he never learned how to have one. Didn't care to learn, I suppose. He's a very, very sad person to be around. Sometimes just seeing him makes me want to cry. He's just void of any emotion at all. There's been "sick" moments where I've wished he'd hit me or something - just so I'd know he at least felt something. Oh, and if you're about to suggest he seek help, he already apparently sees someone, but we don't talk about it (whenever I ask, I get punished, so I stopped asking, but insurance statements do come in the mail, so I guess he goes).

Don't want to go to church anymore either - showing up as a family feels like the biggest joke. Folks think we're happy - BWAHAHAHAHAA. Oh, yeah. Not so much. Sometimes I go and sit there and wonder if anyone else sitting there feels like a bigger fraud than me.

I'm gonna end this on a positive: the girls are happy and healthy. Our home is closed and we don't ever have to see a social worker again. Mia is fully potty-trained, and will be 3 right before Christmas. She's stayed dry in her little Halloween panties all night for a week now, so we're cautiously ending pull-ups and aware that accidents will happen (but that will just be the day we wash the sheets!). Rebekah is running around the house like mad these days, and her favorite activity is pulling all the recycling things out of the bin in the kitchen and carrying empty containers all over the house (especially milk jugs).

We finally hired someone to clean for us - and she comes every week for 3 hours. That I thank for saving the last shred of my sanity.

If you read all this, you are a saint. I would welcome your prayers, thoughts, and comments. I'm so imperfect. If this let anyone else know how screwed up someone else is, and that it's OK, then...welll...I'm glad to be in your company.

Peace.

34 comments:

Yondalla said...

Oh honey, I'm sorry. Students can be a pain in the ass -- spoiled, whiney, lazy. Some of them are wonderful, but sometimes...I feel your pain.

Do take care of yourself.

Carmel said...

Stay strong, from what I have read you are a wonderful mother, teacher, and wife. I can feel it from the words you pour into your blog that your love is genuine. Just know that with every down period their is always be up and our prayers will be with you every step of the way. Smile :-)

Melissa said...

I am so so sorry that you are feeling this way and having to go through all of this. Especially feeling alone. I wil absolutely be praying for you and I do believe in miracles. I will specifically pray that He does one for you. Your words have brought me to tears, I can feel the pain in them. Please at least stay in the Word, maybe it will bring you some comfort.

MFA said...

Some students suck. I've had 'em. It's no fun. Some men are raised by totally effed-up families and have no idea how to be intimate. I married one and had three children with him. He finally did cross some BIG legal lines as far as his treatment of me, and "he's such a great dad" stopped cutting it. He got taken away by the police a month ago and while he is out on bail the children are with me and I plan to keep it that way. I can't work, because all three of my kids have special needs and one needs constant care from me (only a nurse could do it as well as I do and I can't afford that). The ex refused to pay for a surgical procedure one of them needs so I had to petition for an emergency hearing that is coming up next week. I'm not saying you should leave M because only you can say whether it has gotten to the point where that is necessary, but I WILL say that I haven't been this happy OR healthy in years. I've gone from fifteen prescriptions to seven (soon to be six). My kids are happy. My house is clean. I cook our meals. Sure I buy them with WIC and Food Stamps, but it beats living with my ex. You're not the only one to feel like a fraud in a relationship--I felt like that for years before things hit the breaking point. I'm so sorry that's where you are right now though, because it really, really sucks. Your girls are beautiful. Hang in there. And we're listening :)

happyadoptingmom said...

(((Hugs))) I am praying for restoration in your marriage and joy to fill your life once again. Your girls are beautiful and I can tell you cherish the blessing of being able to raise them.

KrazyMom said...

I am so sorry for all that you are going through right now! Know that you have blogging friends who care and are praying for you. You are a wonderful person with a big heart!

{{hugs}}

Marthavmuffin said...

Oh dear, I am sorry for your pain. Know that this too shall pass. I hope your marriage is just at one of the low points that happens in ALL marriages and can rebound. Know too that it is common to feel down after such a wonderful positive event. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I will pray for you and the pain to dissapate.

-gwyn said...

(((HUGS)))

I will be praying for you and your family.

JUST A MOM said...

ok I know you really do not know me although I have been around for a bit of time,,,,,, I would only like to tell you that you are NOT ALONE ON THIS EARTH I too live this life you speak of and have for 32 years,,,,,, yeah sad isn't it it is only now these days that I am owrkign outside the hosem and my girls are old enough not to need me so much that I am really seeing life as it has been and am tired of it! WHAT AM I DOING ABOUT IT???? well I am looking at ME,,, ME what I want to do. and that is all I can do at this point.. He has driven back to Michigan to visit with his family I was NOT invited,,, he is gone for 3 weeks let me say that even though I still have 3 teens in my hosue I ma ENJOYING THE BIG BED ALL ALONE,,, hang in there and PLEASE do not wait for 32 years. you have my email any time I ma hre ((HUGS))

Runergirl said...

Lately I've been right there with you......I so glad you are so honest and strong.

Frenchie said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through so much right now. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to be a teacher in this day and age, and add into it all the complexities of race issues and--wow--I think you are very strong and courageous. The accusations being hurled your way must be very hard on you. But all of that must be made harder to bear when you are not getting the support and love you need at home, and I can understand why you are feeling so depressed. You said your husband is seeing someone--I wonder if you have someone as well?

Your girls are beautiful and happy and healthy because you are a wonderful mom. Please take care of yourself.

Ms. J said...

I just want you to know that I am listening. Lots.

I would give anything to be able to write as honestly as you have. But I can't 'cause my husband reads my blog.

Thinking of you, and keeping you in my prayers (even though I often feel like a giant fraud in church, too).

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry. I'm sending thoughts and prayers. You are not alone (((((HUGS)))))

Karrie said...

I think, if you look close enough, most families are pretty screwed up.
But this doesn't make it right or even any easier to deal with.
Hoping for some sunshine on your clouds.
Karrie in IN (just outside of Louisville, KY)

Megaboo8 said...

I'm so sorry that you feel this way...I hope that things get better. I think you are doing a wonderful job teaching and I'm sorry that you've had to go through all kinds of crap with a student. You're class is one of my favorites and I'm not just saying that. I enjoy your lectures and think that you are very interesting and entertaining. I feel like I'm learning a lot and I enjoy hearing stories about your life and your personal experiences.

I hope that things turn around for you at home...I'm sure you are a great mother and I know that you're girls are very lucky to have a Mom like you.You are very brave to be able to write as honestly as you do and I admire you for it. I will be thinking about you... I hope you have more smiles tomorrow. =)

Julie said...

I am sorry this is so hard!! I hope you get some relief soon- Hang in there- praying for you!!!

Amanda said...

I don't know what to say except that I'm listening and wishing the best for you. Big hugs.

SD said...

I think from all these comments you get the message: you have lots of blog friends (who are real people in the world) who absolutly are listening to you and you are not really alone-you just think that right now. I have been married near 15 yrs now and I can tell you on multiple occasssions I have felt just like you feel now regarding your hubby. We always seem to rebound and our marriage is stronger and yes, each time I guess alittle happier too. The longer we beat the odds and stay together the prouder and more stable we have become. That is just us-but yeah, I know how you feel-we even did talk about the big "D" word-but it was what it was, "talk" and mostly to just try and hurt each other. We realize the more time we stick it out-the better we are. Marriage is never supposed to be easy-cheesy--who ever said it was? It's a journey and it takes work and commitment and it will make you stronger. Only you can tell what is right but I think all marriages are worth trying to save if people want to. I have gone thru this stuff though! I find when it gets too heavy, like one commenter said-do some good things for yourself, take some "YOU" time. It does help!...and the student? I don't even want to tell you here what I really think!! Playing the race-card to screw someone over is such BS! It is just wrong! DO NOT let someone who is the one that is wrong have the satisfaction to upset you! Shake it off! You have to get thick skin, be tough stand your ground. You truly know you were never out to "OFFEND" someone-and it is just unbelievable how people want to use their minority status to step on somone for their own personal gain. That is just one of many things wrong in the world these days. Just know it is wrong-you were not wrong. So get tough! I also have a little trick to help me get over the rainy days--I basically count my blessings and from what I have read from your blog (quite a while now)you have been blessed many times over. Your girls are gifts from God-so don't forget the reason for the season. There is still hope for you and your hubby-maybe you are his gift and you both don't know it? Maybe your job is to teach him how to have a better relationship in his life (apparently something no one else has taught him yet)

Hang in there! Better days are coming for you! Just roll with the punches!

Mom said...

Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you. I hope this too will pass for you. Focus on your two precious little girls for a while. They are bound to cheer you up.

Debbie said...

I am so sorry for you. My husband and I split up a year ago because of his inability to see that cutting himself off and not talking to me for months on end was not a good way to live. We had been married 27 years. He came home a month ago and promised to make BIG changes. So far so good. Sometimes you have to stand up and be counted and not just put up with the unhappiness. {{HUGS}}

fracturedestiny said...

Let the school thing roll off your shoulders. It has nothing to do with race, just a lazy individual who is looking for the easy way out regardless of who is hurt. A person like that will prove to be a dead beat dad, or have a inmate number attached to his name, all the while blaming the "system" for his woes.
As far as the home situation, only you will know when enough is enough, and then and only then will you know what to do. Remember it is our right to be loved and to give love, it is natural, and a god given need- ask yourself, could you be loved, and give love?
Sometimes to be loved is our biggest fear, and to get love when it is given lovinglly sends us running to the hills. The eternal and freeing question to ask yourself, is why?

Overwhelmed! said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. My heart and prayers go out to you!

If it makes you feel any better, my husband's in a HUGE fight with his family right now and I'm getting caught in the middle. My husband has decided that he's going to totally cut off ties with his father...just his father, not his mother or siblings. Yeah, like that's going to work. So, whenever his father is going to be present (like at holiday family gatherings) he doesn't want us to be there. He said his dad has hurt him too many times and he's done with working on a toxic relationship.

How am I supposed to explain to our 3 1/2 year old son that he no longer gets to see Grandpa (or Grandma for that matter)?

It's enough to drive me crazy! I'm to the point where I'm washing my hands of his family's craziness and just agreeing to distance our family from them. It sucks because I hate the thought of giving up on family but I"m sick of being stuck in the middle of their quagmire that's been building up for years before I even met my husband!

Ugh, sorry that I'm being such a downer myself.

Hope things get easier on your end soon. Hang in there. We do care!

TeamWinks said...

I hope that you find a way through this muck, and that things get better. I'll be thinking about you. Keep your chin up.

Kellie said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling down and alone. I know it's not the same as a husband's support, but I hope you'll remember that there are a lot of people out here reading your words and sending you an enormous amount of love. Please take care and write when you're feeling up to it.

jessie said...

I am so sorry, I will be praying. Marriage is hard, especially when you feel like you're the only one trying to make it work.

Kristen said...

You deserve this...

http://snipssnailsandpigtails.blogspot.com/2008/11/lets-all-celebrate.html#links

Kristen said...

You deserve this...

http://snipssnailsandpigtails.blogspot.com/2008/11/lets-all-celebrate.html#links

M said...

Goodness gracious!

I know I'm coming into this late but I just got your link from Kristen at Snips Snails & Pigtails.

I totally understand about your marriage, I really do. How do you break up with someone who is a crappy husband but a great dad?

My biggest fear is that our daughter will grow up and see we broke up right after her adoption and think it was her fault.

Just hang in there and know that your girls love you.

happyadoptingmom said...

Still praying for you!!!

SD said...

where are you?
Keep checking in--hope things are doing well for all of you and hang in there! Blog when you feel like it!

Julie said...

glad to hear your still alive- i too check here often- hang in there - still praying for you!!

FosterMom said...

Hope you are doing ok - I know it's been a couple of months since you wrote this. I'm thinking about you, and praying you are ok.

In Due Time said...

I wanted to wish you and the family a merry Christmas!

SD said...

I'm now wondering if you were actually posting your ending blog post here? The "Goodbye" message? You have been gone quite awhile now, and it seems out of Character...soooo I am guess you ended this blog. If so, sad to see ya go....but good luck, and all the best to you and your family---I will miss your posts if that is the case! Take care! (but I hope you are still just taking time off)