Saturday, September 8, 2007

There Are Times...

when I truly believe - in the moment- that I hate my husband.
I just had to get that out there.
Too often, I write from the perspective that everything is perfect.
It's OK, but it's far from perfect.
He's a wonderful father to the kids, but as for being a partner...well, he says he's trying.
I was married once before...for 9 years. I often think my expectations are way too high. I expect my partner to do more, and most of the time the things I expect are just impossible for him to do.

It's been a rough week for me.

I was getting my hair cut on Friday, and the woman who cut my hair is a former student and friend. She's been married now for 2 years, and I asked her how she's enjoying it. She said, "You know, marriage is funny. Some days I just have to laugh, because if I didn't I'd cry." I think that about sums it up right there.

My husband has a lot of old friends from college days. All but ONE are female. Most are single. He maintains email, phone, and text message relationships with these "friends". From my perspective, there is a lot of flirting on their part. I don't really know how he responds. But I have to get this out. I saw a text message one girl sent to him. I didn't even know she existed. My husband had never even mentioned her name before. The message said she heard a song on the radio and thought of him, and it ended with "Love Ya". Now, I think this is highly inappropriate to send to a married man. Granted, she lives in FL and we are in KY, but give me a break. I feel disrespected. He has time to carry on like this and no time to give me any affection. Come on now. I'm not stupid.

I asked him about it. He didn't think there was anything wrong with the message she sent. He then said he would cut off the friendship and correspondence. He just doesn't get it, does he?


MJ said...

No he doesnt quite get it but at least he was wiling to cut off the correspondence rather than maintaining its supposed innocence.\


KrazyMom said...

I think that men truly don't see a problem with things like that, but I agree with you, it is not right for another woman to send text messages like that to a married man! Honestly, I don't think many married men see this as the flirtation that it is. My husband was away for business meetings with his company last week. He had 15 people in his hotel room playing cards that night...many of which were single women (two of which hit on him constantly) and he thought I was over reacting to be pissed about it! Men just don't get it! Hang in there!

Julie said...

Men just don't think like we do- it sucks- I know- you just want to slap them. Hang in there! :(

Debbie said...

You know I do understand how you feel. I have been married for 27 years and I have just put up with so much. Everyone looks in an I pretend everything is great but really it isn't that clever. What to do?


S said...

Believe me -You have every right to feel how you do. It is a very good sign that he would cut the whole friendship off. What is frustrating is he does not see it how you do. Men are their own breed. Try not to fault him for being a Man. They are who they are. Some Men are exceptions to the rule-but I think most do not get it at all. A friendship like that has it's own potential to get out of hand. I can assure you-things that seem innocent can turn on a dime. Trust me on that one. I think he should talk more and open up more-explain why he has time for this but not you. I think most people go thru this. We did, all our frinds did-it is not an uncommon situation. What is good is you solve the issues, work together, talk and understand each other---Marriage becomes stronger!!! You'll work it out!! :-)

Robin said...

Not appropriate, not one bit.

Overwhelmed! said...

I'm one of those firm believers that men and women can be friends without it leading to a sexual relationship. In fact, I have a close male friend that I've known longer than my husband and my relationship with this man has never come close to being sexual in nature.

Having said that, I do believe that there has to be boundaries in a friendship between a male and a female if one or both of them are married to another person.

Your husband allowing a single female friend to text him and end said text messages with "love ya" seems out of line to me.

In your husbands' defense, I believe him when he told you he sees nothing wrong with this behavior. I doubt he is thinking of this woman in a sexual nature.

However, I believe when you are married you need to be careful not to put yourself in a position where your spouse can be caused to mistrust you. You also need to avoid situations where you might be tempted to cheat (remember there's not just physical cheating, but emotional cheating as well).

If I were in your shoes, I'd be extremely uncomfortable with those types of interactions as well, mainly because your husband is not upfront about the interactions with you.

In my case, my friendship with Doug is open, it's innocent, I try to involve my husband with couples' interaction with Doug and now with Doug's new wife. I've made a point to get to know Doug's wife and let my husband get to know Doug. I'm conscious of my husband and what he might feel uncomfortable with and I'm respectful of that.

Bottom line, if my husband ever felt I was out of line in my behavior with Doug and asked me to stop that behavior, I'd do it. I would expect the same from him. My husband is not controlling and neither am I but a lot of that is because we've built up trust with each other over time and we don't do things that make each other feel threatened. If we ever did, we'd talk about them.

In conclusion to my ramblings, I admire your husband for being willing to cut off contact with the "friend" that leaves you feeling uncomfortable. I think your husband would benefit from making a point to include you in his interactions with his female friends, allow you to get to know them and them to get to know you. I think it'd help if he were totally open with you about his communications with them. I also think it would be in his best interests to focus more attentions on his wife and less on maintaining relationships with all these female friends!

I'm offering up prayers for the two of you right now. I pray that your concerns are addressed and taken care of quickly so that you no longer feel disrespected or neglected.

Good luck to you both!