Admitting It Is Half The Battle

My name is Tamara, and I want another child. I do not know exactly why I want another child. In retrospect, I am sure I did not know exactly why I wanted the first one - except that I wanted it more than I wanted much else in life. And now, I can't imagine life without her.

It seems ridiculous to want another child - especially NOW - with me gainfully un-employed on a full-time basis, with Cookie still not sleeping in her own bed and battling constant ear infections. Why now? Ugh. I don't know.

I know we wouldn't get another one like Cookie. We might even get one with major issues or health problems, or bioparent involvement issues.

But once you foster to adopt, I think there is just something there. And that something is so sweet and life-affirming, that no matter the sacrifices, you just feel compelled to do it all over again. I now understand the stories I read of people who have 5 and 8 and 10 adopted kids. I don't rationally understand it, but I understand it deep-down.

Dang it. I've also been thinking about conceiving again. Adopting doesn't make it vanish. It makes it bearable. It makes it a memory. But it doesn't disappear completely. And this month, the longing is there for me again with all of its ugly ramifications. Go away, dang it! Why is it that THIS month, of all times, I know what CD this is, and am tempted to bust out the OP thingy? Gee wiz. I think THIS is why I feel like calling our SW and opening our home for another placement. Maybe it's just hormonal or something.