Dang It

The reason that we haven't had a visit from Honey Bun's social worker is...(dum dah dah dum)

She's leaving and taking a new job. (insert sarcastic gasp and look of shock here)

Seasoned foster parents know this routine far too well. You wait and wait to find out what's going on in your child's case only to find out that nothing is going on and nothing will be going on for a while.

We learned of this from our R&C worker last night who did her quarterly home visit with us and went over our yearly renewal. She was the one to tell us - not the worker herself (whom we have never seen or heard from). The worker had apparently promised our R&C worker that she would come last night as well. She never showed. That's when our worker let us know her guess as to why.

I asked if we will get a visit this month. Her answer : "Well, since Friday is the last day of the month, then it's not likely."

I asked if we will get a new worker and a visit in October. Her answer: "I wouldn't count on it."

Dang it. (hence the title)

I asked her about the named biodad. If he doesn't take the DNA test to prove he is the father, it will default to J's husband (a husband is always the assumed legal father until proven otherwise) who is in jail for another 7 years, and voluntarily terminated his rights to Cookie when it came down to the wire. No one knows if HE knows his wife had another child with another man. Oh the drama.

So it looks like the best case scenario would be if he never shows face again. Then at the next court date, they will ask to deny services, then they will ask for another court date to change the goal to adoption, then another court date for TPR. It would still be a long process, but it could go about as fast as Cookie's case did (a total of 15 months to her adoption day).

I'm praying her never takes the DNA test. If he tests out as the father, it opens up a whole different time line of offering services and a case plan for him, offering visits, opening up his extended family as potential takers of Honey Bun. Awful stuff we don't want to think about.

So, let's pray he disappears. Our worker is under the impression he is back in jail, or still in jail. Who really knows.

But Honey Bun is doing great - and smiling. And Cookie is learning new words every day. Her cool words at dinner last night: salad, seeds (sunflower for her salad), olives, and hummus (yes, I eat hummus and Cookie loves it too on toasted pita bread). She must have said each of those words 20 times, she was so impressed with herself. Hummus!

Please pray for us to get a new worker for Honey Bun quickly. I think I'll wait a week or so, and then call the supervisor and ask her directly. Until then, prayers for a good worker!

No News Must Be Good, Right?

Honey Bun will be 8 weeks old on Tuesday. We have a name and number for her social worker, but to date have gotten no phone call or email, and certainly no home visit. I called once several weeks ago, and talked to the supervisor, who asked if everything was OK and assured me that there was no news to report.

Anyone know how long birth dad will have to get his DNA testing done after being court ordered to do so? When we had the team meeting on August 14th, the court order had already been set? What would happen to him if he just didn't do it?

These are questions I'd like answered. We're happy being a family, but some days it's hard to ignore the truth of her status: "return to parent". The legal system will take a very long time.

Still, now Michael and I are taking bets on how long it takes to get even a call from Honey Bun's social worker. The over-under is November 1st. Anyone want to place a bet?

See, everyone in our cabinet office knows us, and knows we are a good family who recently adopted. And now we have Honey Bun. And all is well. With case loads of kids and families in crisis, we inevitably often fall to the bottom of the pile. And that usually doesn't bother me. Most days I appreciate knowing we are a "taken for granted" family just waiting for the justice system wheels to turn their slow turns.

We will see our R&C worker this Wed. for our quarterly home visit, and will ask her about it. Until then, I'll be taking your bets. So, what say you - before or after November 1st?

Cardiologist Says...

nothing to worry about!
Honey Bun had an EKG and an Echocardiogram (complete with ultrasound jelly all over her tiny chest)
Tests detected a small (2mm) opening that is normal for about 25% of the population (if it is what they think it is)
She will be listened to again at age 1 and have another ultrasound at about age 3
If there is any problem, it can be corrected without major surgery

And, no...no cardiomyopathy
Without knowing BM's family history, doctor said he would attribute it to cocaine use (70% of users have an enlarged heart)

Whew.

No need to check out Cookie until she is about 3 or 4 either, and even then it would just be a precaution since she shows no signs of trouble.

Praise God!

Cardiologist

appointment is Fri morning for Honey Bun
please pray that her birth mom's drug use caused her own cardiomyopathy, and not genetics
please pray Honey Bun has a healthy heart
if it turns out to be genetic and Honey Bun is affected, my Cookie will have to be tested too
this is the scariest doctor's appointment I will have had to go to yet
and yet i know most of you have endured far worse

A Cookie Story

Last night when I came home from teaching, Cookie was VERY happy to see me and ran and gave me a huge hug

I sat on the floor with her and she began tugging on the sleeve of my blouse...hard

then she went over to my other side and began tugging at the other sleeve...hard

then she came in front of me and tried to unbutton my blouse..all this very deliberately and quietly

I then asked her "Cookie, what are you doing??"

She looked me in the eye and firmly replied, "WOOBIE!"

"Oh, I'm wearing the silky shirt you like. It's one of your woobies. You want me to take it off and give it to you?"

rapid head nods from the Cookie

I (of course) take it off and give it to her so now I am sitting in my dress pants and bra in the livingroom floor, and Michael is very amused

Cookie takes the shirt with much gusto, and holds it up to her face

She then comes over back in front of me and stick one of her chubby hands in EACH of my bra cups so that each of her hands is tucked in a boob-pocket

She then sits in front of me with her "woobie" draped over her with her hands in my bra

And life was good

She grinned and grinned and said "Boobie!"

And to think there was once a time when I worried that I would not be able to fully bond with an adopted child.

Day Care, Naming, and Other Random Thoughts

Today was the first day of daycare for my baby girl, and it was certainly easier on me than Cookie's first day was. There were no tears, and only a small amount of nervous energy. I called my husband who happened to be writing from home this afternoon, and declared my envy over the fact that he got to enjoy the first moments of a child-free work zone BEFORE I did.

(I've mostly recovered from my recent I-hate-him slump.)

Cookie's doing great, and running faster and getting into more mischief than I can count (or wish to contemplate). Honey Bun is closer to having a real-life name chosen by us, as we've narrowed down our list of names to a mere 4 choices: Rebekah, Ileana, Abigail, and Deborah. Her middle name is likely to be Grace. I feel excited that we've at least gotten this far, and we've agreed on most every step. But Honey Bun deserves a nice name, and deserves to be called that last name as early as possible. The folks at daycare even want to put her "new" name on her things and her crib, even though her legal name will be what it is for quite some time to come. I mean, legally she's still classified as "return to parent" as the goal. But we have faith. We have to. There is no other option.

Honey Bun is 6 weeks old today, and getting meatier and prettier each day. She focuses more on things around her, and on our faces. She drinks much more formula, and belches like a grown man. She even sleeps pretty well. She's a definite snuggle-bug, and we're grateful for that.

Still no word from her permanent social worker. We have our quarterly meeting with our R&C worker tomorrow evening, but that is just to make sure we're still sane and appropriate, and relatively tidy (LOL). I've called the cabinet office, and there's been no development in Honey Bun's case, giving everyone the feeling that no biological family member (including the named bio-dad) is very interested. So, we're proceeding as if she is our daughter too. Again, it's all we can do. We're sold out. I don't even want to speculate as to what would happen if she were to leave. I just can't fathom it. It's Cookie's sister. Even she's attached. I picked up Cookie from daycare the other day, and unlike every other day, I didn't have the baby with me (she was at school with Michael), and Cookie was WORRIED. All the way home in the backseat she kept pointing to the empty carseat base next to her and babbling about "baby bye bye" and "bakldb ajdbad BABY!!" (whatever that means). Clearly, she was NOT HAPPY about the absence of the baby. Every night she has to have her time to hold and pet the baby (either on the sofa, or on the bed, or sitting on the floor), and sometimes she asks me to pick up the baby and hold her up to her so she can give her a full-body hug (which is awkward and VERY cute).

I'm pleased to report Cookie is now sleeping in HER OWN BED - woo hooo!! Cosleeping was awesome, but it was time. We got her a toddler bed with Elmo bedding and that was that. Suddenly she had the better of the options for sleep. No fighting. It's nice not to be kicked in the back anymore.

Words my Cookie says on a regular basis that I find amusing enough to share:

"Mess!" (while admiring her work)
"Oh no Macy!" (while reprimanding cat)
"Whatz she doin'?" (while chasing one of the cats)
"Where did it go?" (playing hide and seek with toys)
"MINE! and NO!" (the only two words to "This Little Light of Mine" that she sings...the No! comes in response to the Hide it under a bushel? line)
"Baby night night" (when she sees the baby sleeping)
"Baby bath" (when she sees baby's in-sink bathtub)
"Pee pee" or "Poopie" (telling me which one is in her diaper that needs changing)
"Pizza pie!" (Michael taught her that one - and she gets very excited whenever we have pizza now)
"Marsh" (after reading a kids magazine about birds that live in the marsh, she found the word to be fabulous, and repeated the word for days on end - for no apparent reason)
"Boobie" (she loves putting her hand down my shirt and rubbing them - for comfort - and who knows, maybe good luck)
"Woobie" (for her woobies - blankets, lovies, and my soft pjs that she drags all over the house and into bed with her
"Meat" (her word for steak, or any hunk of protein)

Her favorite game is hiding behind the clothes in the closet and loudly asking in a sing-song voice "Where did she go?" and giggling (hoping I'll attempt to "try" to find her by asking "Where's Cookie? Where did she go?). There is much giggling and the game can go on WAY longer than I have stamina for it.

It's almost 1 am. I should go to bed and enjoy two sleeping girls. :)

There Are Times...

when I truly believe - in the moment- that I hate my husband.
I just had to get that out there.
Too often, I write from the perspective that everything is perfect.
It's OK, but it's far from perfect.
He's a wonderful father to the kids, but as for being a partner...well, he says he's trying.
I was married once before...for 9 years. I often think my expectations are way too high. I expect my partner to do more, and most of the time the things I expect are just impossible for him to do.

It's been a rough week for me.

I was getting my hair cut on Friday, and the woman who cut my hair is a former student and friend. She's been married now for 2 years, and I asked her how she's enjoying it. She said, "You know, marriage is funny. Some days I just have to laugh, because if I didn't I'd cry." I think that about sums it up right there.

My husband has a lot of old friends from college days. All but ONE are female. Most are single. He maintains email, phone, and text message relationships with these "friends". From my perspective, there is a lot of flirting on their part. I don't really know how he responds. But I have to get this out. I saw a text message one girl sent to him. I didn't even know she existed. My husband had never even mentioned her name before. The message said she heard a song on the radio and thought of him, and it ended with "Love Ya". Now, I think this is highly inappropriate to send to a married man. Granted, she lives in FL and we are in KY, but give me a break. I feel disrespected. He has time to carry on like this and no time to give me any affection. Come on now. I'm not stupid.

I asked him about it. He didn't think there was anything wrong with the message she sent. He then said he would cut off the friendship and correspondence. He just doesn't get it, does he?

Lessons Learned

There are currently 4 kids in our home. One is ours. One feels like ours. Two are someone else's kids who happen to be their foster-kids.

Ours is 20 months. Baby sister is 1 month old today. The other two are 3 and 5.

We've had them for 5 hours and it seems like 5 days.

I do not want 4 children...ever. Never, ever, ever.

They are really cute.

But they are kids.

And our two are enough work as is.

We took them to a pizzeria for dinner. That was a mistake. For the rest of the weekend, food will be at home...or McDonalds at the most.

It is 10 at night and we started "bedtime" at 8:30. The 3 year old is still kinda awake and scared. Cookie, however, is asleep. She has a new toddler bed with Elmo bedding and loves it. She does sleep with my old rabbit fur coat. That's one of her several dozen woobies.

We are all OK. We love our two girls.

I called the social workers, and there has been no further contact from the supposed biodad. I guess "no news is good news". We are thinking of names. Her birth name is very, um...Kentucky, shall we say. We added "Nora" to our short list, along with Rebekah, Deborah, Katherine, Rachel, Lauren, Grace (as a middle name), Ashley, Laurel, Ileana, Abigail, Alexandra, and Laura. That's the list. We've been through baby name books and brainstorming sessions, and that is as long as it has gotten. I guess we're pretty simple folks when it comes to names.

Well, we're open to suggestions if you have favorites.

I'm off to try to get some sleep.

Did I mention I never want 4 kids? :)

Thank You, Jesus...for my girls, and for lessons learned from doing respite care.

The Good Life

Cookie's been sick with a stomach virus, so I'm taking the opportunity to mention my blessings. This afternoon, Michael watched the girls so that I could make a Wal-Mart trip for groceries and assorted other goodies. I even got to talk to my friend Megan on my cell phone on the way there.

It's funny how often I've taken for granted this "me time". I even bought myself a nice new diaper bag that is roomy enough to fit the necessities for both girls, yet light and compact enough to not feel like luggage.

I brought home fried chicken and mac n' cheese, and found that Michael had assembled the double stroller and it was sitting in the middle of the living room in all its grandeur. The baby was asleep on his chest, and Cookie was sitting next to him all snuggly in her blankie on the sofa.

At this very moment, Michael is pushing the girls in the new double stroller on a walk through the neighborhood. If he didn't attract attention before with Cookie in the single stroller, he's definately going to now.

What a guy.

It is a lovely Saturday. Our house is absolutely filthy. Fil-thy. Filthy. But I am happy.

Oh, and I bought the girls little matching rompers that were on clearance for $2.50 a piece. Dang, that's a good Wal-Mart run if I do say so myself.

Pregnancy Convention

This weekend, all 4 of us went shopping for various baby items, and I'll have you know that on the weekends in our local Babies R Us, it is a sea of pregnant women. They all wanted to look at my kid-os. How cool is that? For a change, other people were envious of what I have instead of the other way around. Had I been in there a couple years ago, it would have sent me into a major depression. This time, I giggled and grinned. I've got my family, and no one can ever take my daughter away - and she is perfect, and I didn't even give birth.

Speaking of which...while signing my contracts at the college last week, a woman mentioned to me that I looked great for having given birth two 2 weeks ago. YEAH! OK, so I said thank-you, and then politely said I didn't birth that one. I guess I'll just be determined to feel good about looking good for a woman who recently gave birth.

And on to our major purchase of the weekend...dum dah dah dum...a DOUBLE STROLLER. Dang, I feel like yuppie supermom. Now all I need is a mini-van. (Um, no. No minivan will be bought by anyone in this household.) But seriously, it felt cool to buy it on faith that Honey Bun will stay.

Honey Bun now weighs 7 lbs, 4 oz. - a half pound weight gain in a week. She's drinking better now, and is much more alert. She does, however, scream when she poops, which is funny except in the middle of the night. We are still madly in love.

No news about anything in Honey Bun's case. We haven't even gotten a call from her assigned permanent worker. However, I think she's likely waiting to do her monthly home visit until she has more information to provide. It's fine with me. It's clear that we know as much as the workers know, and as long as that continues that way, I've got nothing to complain about. I've got faith that she's not going anywhere, at least for a long time.

I started teaching my classes at the college today - class 2 is tomorrow, and class 3 starts Thurs., and class 4 a week from tomorrow. Needless to say, for someone without a full-time job, this seems darn close to full time work.

We're seriously looking at mini-SUVs and wagons. Anyone have a Toyota Matrix or Plymouth Vibe or like? I'm looking for opinions as I do my homework on the web before facing the dealerships.

In two weeks, we are doing respite care for the weekend for a 3 and 5 year old. Yes, we have lost our minds. But the money will help buy Cookie's toddler bed. And it will also convince me to go ahead and get on birth control. :)

Warm Fuzzies

THIS was the face looking up at me as I dried her off after her bath tonight. We are so in love, it's unbelievable. I had no idea I had that much more in me to give. What a feeling!

Team Meeting Status Report

I'm pleased to report the meeting this morning went as well as could be expected. All of the workers - from the investigator, to our R&C worker, to the team supervisor - want this baby to stay and eventually be adopted by us. It's great to know that everyone involved is in our corner - and with good reason: J. (birthmom) is in jail and not eligible for parole until May '08, birthdad (not Cookie's birthdad - so she says) is only in jail for a couple days for "unpaid fines" (so he says) and did call to ask about "his daughter". He just got out of drug rehab - he's older as well - with 2 grown kids and a 15 year old daughter he's prohibited from having contact with (insert whatever guesses you have here - they are as good as ours right now). At any rate, he's vastly inappropriate as a placement. When asked if he had any family members that wanted the baby, he said he'd "have to think about it and call back". He asked about J's sister, but she was already ruled out when Cookie was born, and they are not about to go back there again.

If only this guy would have denied he was the father, J's husband (Cookie's supposed birthdad) would be legally assumed to be the father and that would be the end to that - no blood tests and just another TPR. But now wait. There has already been a court order put in for this new birthdad to have a DNA test. Even if he hightails it in to get it done, the results will take at least 4-8 weeks (according to the investigative worker). After that, we'll wait to see if he wants to work a case plan, or if his background check even comes back appropriate. If he's a sex offender, they will likely not recommend going further to return the baby. I asked if they plan to counsel him to voluntarily terminate his rights, and the answer was "absolutely". They will talk to him about the child support he will be required to pay if he is indeed the father. They said that changes a lot of minds right there.

So, good news: the case gets to stay with the same judge that did Cookie's case, and she ROCKS. I mean, this woman does not suffer fools and has a reputation for being the best and granting the rulings the social workers recommend. So, we are very relieved along those lines. She will also not be giving chance after chance to an addict to get clean.

More good news: No visits with birth parents. No jailhouse visits for J, and no visits for birthdad until the DNA test comes back showing he's the sperm donor. Even after that, he'd have to work a case plan to get visits, and they would likely be the minimum twice a month for an hour visits.

Until more is discovered, the goal on paper is still "return to parent". It makes me so sad, but that is the law. All we know about birthdad is he shacked up with a married, 24 yr. old cocaine addict who already had 3 kids adopted out. And we know he has 3 kids and is also a user. We don't know his drug of choice, but I can guess that's where J. went to get her cocaine. She apparently moved in with him when she went on the run from rehab - so there ya go.

Even more good news: J. was in jail for at least 6 months of her pregnancy, so the likelihood she used drugs during her 2nd and 3rd trimesters is very low (but still possible as we all know). The baby is doing just great and is a real cuddle bug. We both love her. We both want her to stay. We both know this will likely be a long journey even if it too is a successful one. But there are many good signs that she will stay. And the Lord works in all kinds of ways, and I won't even pretend to know His will for us. All I know is we are optimistic.

We are praying this man will admit that he would not be a fit parent to any child, and will choose to voluntarily terminate his parental rights so this baby can be adopted. They will tell him that if he does that she will be adopted by the family that adopted her sister - so maybe...just maybe - that will have some weight for his decision.

To all of you out there reading and praying and sending good vibes: we FELT IT this morning! I had so much peace in my heart and it was such a smooth process. We also got assigned a worker for the baby who has 11 years of experience, and used to be in special needs adoption, so we are very blessed to have her as the baby's worker. The supervisor hand-picked this woman to take the lead on the case because of her experience.

My parents are once again on the grandparent roller-coaster. They've seen pictures too and desperately want this baby as we do.

Again, all of your support means the world to me. I read your messages and words of encouragement and it is so uplifting. Please don't think that ONE more person praying won't make a difference - it does. And if WE can pray for you and your kids - let me know and we'll put you on our prayer list as well - even if you aren't one of my regulars on the blogroll. We're a living, breathing, thriving family example of the power of prayer - and that God answers in BIG, BIG ways - often when you have stopped begging and started praising, and often when you LEAST expect it.

2 am

I just finished trying to feed the baby...maybe I'll call her Honey Bun here.
She only drank 1 oz. with much encouragement from me.
I'm thinking about the meeting at 9.
I'm sure hoping we don't have to endure a lengthy roller coaster.
Here's another look at who you're praying for:

And here's Cookie at right about 1 month old:Sisters...wow.

And Baby Makes 4

What a whirlwind! We arrived back in KY late Friday night and picked up a car seat on Saturday morning (after learning it is hard to buy just an infant car seat without the stroller package too).

We arrived at Ann's house at 1:00 to meet the new addition to our family. Ann had seemed like a great woman on the phone, but it was fabulous to meet this angel of a foster mom in person. She was an EMT in a past career, and she had obviously taken great care of the baby.

Holding the baby for the first time was an awesome experience. At still only 6 lbs. 1 oz. at 11 days old, she looked teeny and fragile and felt so light. Yet she was perfect and beautiful, warm and velvety soft, and peaceful. Cookie was with us, and immediately came over to see the baby and without prompting just leaned in and kissed her face and grinned. We taught her how to say "sister".

We then came home for a well-earned nap - all 4 of us.

Saturday was a blur. Michael mowed the yard while Cookie played and I supervised her and watched the baby sunbathe to help the jaundice. That night we ordered pizza and ate ice cream to celebrate our new family.

Church yesterday was a trip - watching everyone's reactions to just seeing us with this tiny baby - and then introducing her as Cookie's sibling was just priceless.

Of course, I'm really beginning to fall in love with this baby. The doctors put her at 36 weeks, so technically she's a preemie. She's struggling to get over the jaundice, and to gain weight (she'd rather sleep than eat, and I often have to pry her jaw open, insert the bottle, and stroke her cheeks and the bottom of her feet to get her to suck. Even then, I'm lucky if I can get her to eat 1.5 oz at at time. I just keep trying ever two hours and each time she even looks remotely hungry. She goes in on Friday to get checked for weight and the jaundice. She'll go for an ultrasound on her hip in September, and also to the cardiologist sometime around then to be sure her heart is OK (mom apparently has cardiomyopathy, but I never heard anything about that when Cookie was born - we'll see). Other than those things, she's doing great. She's quite peaceful, and loves to cuddle and get pets and massages. I think she's downright beautiful.

Tomorrow morning is the team meeting with social workers. I pray they move this case quickly. I'm just gonna say it: I want her to stay.

Now all I need is for my dad to come up with her nickname. And yeah, Michael and I already have a short list of names we're coming up with...just in case.

Please pray for the meeting tomorrow.

Now, even though we arrived Friday night and today is Monday, I'm now going to go start unpacking. *sigh*

Baby Update

It's taken me quite a while to get to posting an update for a couple of reasons. First is the hideous dial-up my parents have, and second is downright uncertainty. I just hate to post any news until we are certain. So, here's what we know so far.

I've talked to the respite care providers several times and they seem wonderful. They are very fond of the baby, and have sent pictures (see the bottom of this post for one I'll leave up only a few days). The baby weighs 6 lbs. 9 oz. as of Monday at her doctor's appointment. She had jaundice, and still has it, so they sent her home with a prescripton for sunshine. Since birthmom has Hepatitis B & C, they also have to do extra treatments for B, and tests for C later on. I remember having Cookie tested and holding our breath until the negative result came back from the lab. The doctors reported to the respite mom that the birthmom has Cardiomyopathy, and that the baby needs to see a cardiologist since it can be genetic. Funny though, I never heard anything about that with Cookie, so if it is true, Cookie will be getting a referral too. Ugh. Lastly, the doctor noticed what the respite mom called a "hitch in her hip", so is ordering an ultrasound to check it out and see if anything odd is there. All in all, this will be one of the best-checked-out babies I've ever seen.

There is a family team meeting on August 14th (we will be back on Friday the 10th and picking up baby on the 11th in the morning sometime). At the meeting, we will meet with the social workers. We have been told that birthmom (J.) is indeed in jail, and our R & C worker emailed to tell us that she was told biodad is also in jail. No relatives are being looked at (and none have come forward either). From all the workers can tell us now, it looks like a future adoption down the road. That being said, we all know there are no absolute certainties until the judge signs the order of adoption in court. I'd say as it looks right now, it feels about 75% certain to me. That's just a guess from a woman still in FL going off emails and talking with the respite care provider. Really, we will know much more on the 14th.

All of J's relatives were already checked out and declared unfit back when Cookie was placed with us, so I don't think they will go back there all over again. Also, there is much history there in her case. My old blog detailed all that, and I think most of my current readers remember the saga! In a nutshell, Cookie's birthmom had her first child at 16, her second at 18 - was in foster care herself, and in and out of jail for cocaine. She met Cookie's supposed birthdad when she was 12 and he was 36 - yes, 36. They got married at some point. He was also in and out of jail. They were both convicted of neglect and physical and sexual abuse of their children, and those 2 kids were adopted by another family in another county. The adoption is closed, and they do not wish to have contact. I totally understand. The kids were 4 and 6 when they were adopted - after having been in and out of foster care way too many times. The state didn't want to see Cookie suffer the same fate. So, the state acted a lot sooner.

Now enter Cookie's new half-sister. There is a different (and named) birth father since J's husband and Cookie's supposed birthdad (I say supposed b/c she looks nothing like him, and this new baby looks totally like Cookie did as a newborn) is still in jail. We know nothing about this new birthfather or his family. I guess that's why I have the uncertainty. My heart tells me that addicts hang with other addicts, and that he and his family are bound to be in the same cycle J. is...but we won't know. All of us think that this new birthdad is likely Cookie's biodad as well - I mean, she got pregnant again when Cookie was all of 10 months old. I don't think I could find a new man in that amount of time. But maybe she's just good at finding them.

We'll post more on the 11th once baby is with us once (and hopefully for all). We'll also post on the 14th after the family team meeting that morning. We are sure to find out a lot more information at that point. It's going to be a challenge to navigate because Cookie's adoption is a closed adoption for all of our safety - and bringing us to any meetings with family members makes us vulnerable. And, um, we're a pretty memorable couple. If you see us once, you're likely to recognize us if you see us again. :)

So, if I don't get around to posting until Saturday, here's a picture of our new little girl:

Cookie's Sibling Is Born!

On July 31st, Cookie became the big sister to a baby girl. We got the phone call today - just a few minutes ago. We won't be home until the 10th (but we will be calling the airlines to see about changing our tickets and the costs therein), and the WONDERFUL social workers already arranged for the baby to go home today with angels of respite care providers. They will try to back date our contract so that we can pay the $22.90 a day daily rate and not have it be out of our own pockets.

We don't know anything else.

My assumption is that the baby is healthy - otherwise our R&C worker would have told us, and obviously the hospital wouldn't release a baby in 2 days thta wasn't OK.

No news on the name of the baby either - but then again, we will likely use pet-names for a while anyway until we learn about birth-fathers and how the state and social workers are going to handle the case. Then, we'll choose our own name for her.

Until I'm told otherwise, I'm choosing to believe that this baby will become our daughter forever, too.

Wow. Another girl.

I told Michael that would be a lot of girls in the house. He said, "Yeah, I had a dream like that once. But you were on the Swedish bikini team." :)

So, in your prayers today, please pray once more for J. and her broken world, this new baby girl, the wonderful people who have agreed to be her respite care providers until we get home, and the workers who made all this happen without even involving us in the details. God is SO amazing. I thought we'd have to do all kinds of arranging, and here it is all taken care of FOR us. I'm in awe.

I'm a mommy...again. I can't wait to see my new baby girl. I hope she's as sweet as her big sister.

Our World Gets ROCKED! And you won't believe HOW

There we were, sitting in ATL waiting to get on the next plane flight to my parent's when my phone rang. I didn't answer it, but when I got on the plane I listened to the voicemail. It was Melanie, our R&C worker. The message was simple:

"I need to talk to you and Michael about something very important. I need you to call me back ASAP - today."

The plane was about to take off and the cell-phone police would soon be scouring the isles looking for non-compliant passengers. I figured I could call her 90 minutes later when we landed and see what was up.

Michael and I played a fantasy guessing game about what she might be calling about. It was everything from Ginger's Aunt being arrested, to previous foster children who were back in the system again and needed a place to go, to benign things like our training hours or adoption subsidy. At any rate, we settled in to the flight with a wiggly toddler.

When we landed in FL, as soon as the seat belt sign went off, my phone began ringing again. It was Melanie. This time I answered. Here's how the conversation began:

T: "Hey Melanie!"
M: "Hi Tamara. Well, Cookie has a sibling."
T: (thinking I heard wrong). Huh?
M: "I said YOUR CHILD HAS A SIBLING."
T: OH MY GOD! THEY FOUND J!
M: Yup. I think she's in jail.
T: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD...When was the baby born?
M: Actually, as of 8:30 this morning (the 25th), J was in labor, but the baby hasn't come yet.
T: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD (I obviously loose linguistic creativity here)...
M: Do you want the baby?
T: OF COURSE we want the baby! But we just landed in Florida!

The rest of the conversation that transpired on the plane was Melanie telling me that if we wanted the baby, we had to immediately turn around and come home to get the baby from the hospital. I asked about letting the baby go to a temporary foster home until we got back. She said she could ask, but was certain "they" (I guess the social worker powers that be) would not approve that. She said she was sorry, but we had to decide NOW if we could commit to come back and abandon our vacation.

I said a quick prayer in my head. I looked at Michael sitting next to me holding a crying and exhausted Cookie. I saw flight attendants approaching us on a now vacant airplane. I gulped and gave the hardest answer of my life.

"We want this baby so bad, Melanie. But I'm sorry. Please ask for us if the baby can go elsewhere for now. But we can't come back right now. We just can't. We just landed. We won't even get to my parent's house for another two hours. I'm so sorry. I really am."

Melanie said she understood and would get back to us later.

Shaken to my core, I left the plane with Michael and Cookie.

My mom was waiting for us, worried that even the pilots had come off the plane, but we had not.

Clearly, I was shaken. I told mom the whole story. SHE then began the familiar freak-out. She called my sister-in-law who also freaked out. And we all agreed to at least stop for food before making the 90-minute trip to my parents home.

So there we were, in a fast-food chicken and seafood joint - me, Michael, Cookie, my mom, and later my brother and his wife. And we were all shaken by the story of Cookie's sibling being born. We were all brainstorming ways we could get back home and not ruin the vacation or Cookie's time with her grandparents.

Then...my phone rang.

It was Melanie.

"Tamara. They sent J. back to jail. Apparently she went into labor too early - at 36 weeks, so they stopped it and sent her back. She's not going to have the baby today, but will within the next 4 weeks. So, I guess you're off the hook!"

I started to tear up.

"Oh Melanie. This is great news. I'll keep the phone nearby, because we WILL get there to get this baby."

Melanie said she would call as soon as she knew anything.

I hung up and wiped away tears. I told my family at the table. We praised God.

HE had handled it all. We thought it was our job, but HE was in control all along.

It's Sat. night, and no news yet. We aren't scheduled to be back home for 2 more weeks, so we need prayer that the baby stays put! If not, we'll change our tickets and hightail it back.

We don't know if it's a boy or a girl. We don't know who the daddy might be (Cookie's biodad is incarcerated.) I imagine this one could take a while, too. I imagine the daddy could check out OK (and pigs might fly), or the family members of said daddy check out (and monkeys...). Well, but God's already working on all that.

As soon as I know, believe me, I'll run to the nearest computer. Meanwhile, please pray for all of us - and J. (who we learned is indeed in jail) and the unborn baby (who was likely exposed to incredible amounts of cocaine).

Love,
Tamara

Date Night

Last night was "date night" for Michael and I, and it was truly enjoyable in it's simplicity. We went to Olive Garden for dinner as we hadn't been there in at least a year or more. Afterwards, we went across the street to Target for a little browsing as adults.

It's amazing how invigorating time together as adults without your child can be. It's highly underrated. We spend so much energy seeing to Cookie's needs that we put ours on the back burner far too often.

I thought last night about how nice it was to not talk about deep things, how nice a hot meal was uninterrupted by food sailing through the air and a whining child, and how nice my husband is to look at across the table.

We hadn't had a date night in a long, long time. But those 3 hours were so relaxing.

We're going to be leaving soon to spend a little over 2 weeks in Florida at my parent's place. Mom has set up the computer space and office area for Michael to write on some research he's been needing to work on, and mom and dad will be taking Cookie out for regular adventures and photography sessions with Grandpa. While we're there, we're welcome to come and go as we please - taking day excursions, or even short trips to other Florida locales. Last night really hit home how much I'm looking forward to getting help with Cookie and the opportunity to be alone with my husband from time to time.

Oh, and Cookie's personalized luggage arrived today - her little pink and black suitcase with "Mia" embroidered on the front, and her toiletry bag with "Cookie" embroidered on it, and lunch tote with "Cookie" on it (I have to give time to both her name and nickname - especially since my parents only call her "Cookie", and I pretty much call her "Mia Cookie", or just "Mia"). If you're interested in personalized things for your kids, I used Lillian Vernon online. I think everything turned out just great.

I'm now going to go act like I'm being productive today.

Cookie's First Haircut

There were tears, but they were short-lived. I didn't want to cut my child's bangs, but she just couldn't keep hair accouterments IN her hair and it just kept getting in her eyes. So, off we went this past weekend to get her first haircut.


(The rash under her eye is from the general anesthesia mask from her ear-tube surgery on Friday. All went well, and I believe the haircut was far more traumatizing than the surgery the day before!)

Pictures from the Mississippi Trip

After munching on mini-Oreos, she decided she was a chocolate-faced diva:



Cookie and cousin Deuce:

Cookie's Little Light

The other day, Cookie was running around the bedroom with her index finger up twirling her little hand around and around. And she was mumbling (or was it singing?) something. And I thought, "Hmm. What in the world is she doing?" And she looked so excited, too.

Finally, it dawned on me. She had been watching the Gerbert videos I had gotten, and was clearly singing and signing one of the songs. To test my theory, I started quietly singing it. And suddenly she started singing LOUDER and twirling her little finger frantically in the air around and around.

You know what she was singing?

"This Little Light of Mine"

She does have such a wonderful little light, and it shines all over the place. She teaches me so much.

Back On Course

First, THANK YOU for your thoughts and prayers during our time of transition. Ginger left our house at 5:00 on Monday, and by 8:00 we were on the road headed to Mississippi! I highly recommend the "getting out of Dodge" technique for coping - especially if the getting out entails sweet tea, biscuits, 4th of July BBQ, and touching "home base" in some way or another.

We were at Michael's parents place until Friday afternoon, when we decided to head back. We ended up cutting the 10-hour trip in half both ways for our sanity and Cookie's comfort. She just can't stand to sit in the car seat that long, and I really can't blame her.

A good time was had by all, and now comes the planning for a 2-week trip to my parents in Florida. We have decided to hold off on accepting another placement until mid-August. That will give us time to vacation properly and get ready for the fall semester of teaching.

I'll post pictures from the Mississippi trip as soon as I can unpack...um, FIND the camera. :)

Ginger's Moving On

If I wouldn't have let my cell phone die yesterday, I would have gotten the message earlier. Ginger's Great Aunt has checked out with the state, so Ginger will be going to live with her. It's a good thing, really. Her mom's case is workable. All she has to do is not smoke pot for at least 6 months and go to counseling and get a psych eval and on some appropriate and legal meds for whatever her condition is. She doesn't have to get her GED, a job, or transportation. All she has to do is get clean.

We'd much rather that happen with her with a family member than with us. Sure, we've gotten attached to her, but not bonded. Once again, the Lord looked out for us on this one. We did what we were supposed to do, and He gave us the strength and wisdom to be cautious. I'll miss the little Ginger Snap. What's worse will be that we will likely worry that she is well cared for. She will be living in poverty, but that is not something we can discriminate for.

We will ask that Ginger be moved on Monday morning. We will probably cry. Though this time it will be less about grieving over a child who could have been ours and more about grieving over the knowledge of a child's probable life course.

Then, we are considering packing up the car and taking Cookie to see Michael's parents. It's been a wild couple of weeks, and we will need some get-away before awaiting our next placement.

OF COURSE we're going to do it again! Once you are called, you're called. Period.

Still, your prayers for us on Monday as we say goodbye will be greatly appreciated.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Things said to us recently by children who are total strangers to us:

1) Upon taking Cookie out of the car to take her to daycare, a little black boy (about age 6 or 7) sees Michael and say to him, "You know, some black men have black babies." His mother proceeded to scold him about getting into other people's business. Michael, on the other hand, thought it was hilarious!

2) All 4 of us were out in the front yard, and Cookie was playing while Michael was watering the flowers and yard. I was holding Ginger while sitting on the front step. A little white girl (age 6 or 7) rides up on her bike and stops dead in her track in front of our house. She points to Cookie and asks me, "Did she grow in your belly?" Michael turns to me, and I say "No." Michael adds, "We adopted her." The little girl simply says, "Oh." and rides off down the street. We both think that was very cool.

Letter #1 to Ginger's Mom

Here's the letter she's getting in her goodie bag today:

June 26, 2007

Dear Ginger's Mom,

Thank you so much for the loving letter you wrote to us. It means so much to know how much you love your little girl, and we are grateful for your prayers. We think about you constantly, and pray for you every day. We can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. We only wish there was more we could do to help you. Please know we love Ginger very much. We tell her every day how much her parents love her.

We were so happy to get to meet you last week. You are so very beautiful. You CAN work your case plan with God’s help, and all the help the social workers have set up for you. Please know we don’t think bad things about you. Our hearts hurt for you, but we do not blame you for anything. We’ve all made bad choices in our lives. But GOD will always give you another chance to make things right! Isn’t that comforting?

Ginger is doing just great. My husband and I both teach, but I am not teaching this summer, so I am able to stay home with her. We bought a great bassinet for her to sleep in until she is too big, and then she will sleep in her crib. We have a UK mobile for her with little teddy bears dressed as UK football, baseball, basketball players, and cheerleader. She absolutely loves watching it!

She is eating good, and doesn’t even spit up at all. She sleeps very well and takes naps in the late morning and early afternoon, and then usually only wakes up once at night around 2 am for a warm bottle and clean diaper. Funny though, 2 am seems to be her favorite time to poop!

Ginger seems to really be smiling now, and she smiles a lot. She’s such a happy baby, and she only seems to cry when she is hungry, dirty, or wants to be held.

We take her to church every Sunday, and the people there just love her to bits! Everyone loves to hold her and kiss her chubby cheeks. You have lots of people at our church who are praying for you and for Ginger.

On Monday night, I took her to watch my husband play in the church softball game. Lots of women from the church were there and everyone kept saying how beautiful Ginger was. She was such a great little girl at the game. She seemed to love looking at what was going on, and really enjoyed being outside and all the interaction.

Thank you so much for sending her clothes and formula. We are glad we get to put the outfits on her that you picked out for her.

I want you to know how much we LOVE caring for Ginger. My husband and I became foster parents two years ago when we found out that we could not have children of our own (I cannot get pregnant). Earlier this year, we adopted our daughter who is now 18 months old (her mom is a cocaine addict and her dad is in jail for a long time). We were so happy to be able to adopt her, and she is beautiful and healthy. She also LOVES Ginger very much. She sits beside her when I am feeding her and pets her head and rubs her arms and legs. She loves to give her kisses on the top of her head! She also loves to watch her get her baths. It is just awesome to see her come over and out of nowhere just give her kisses.

I hope it will give you peace to know that Ginger is loved here. No matter what happens and no matter how long she is in our family, nothing will change that. We also care about YOU! Please know if there is anything you want to know about us, or anything special you would like us to do for Ginger – just ask.

Much love,

Ginger's Foster Parents

An Interesting Meeting

On Monday night at my husband's softball game, I met a woman who goes to our church whom I didn't even know. She and her husband had surmised that our family was not one of procreation due to our variety of skin-tones. She shared with me a bit of her agony.

She and her husband have tried for the entire 8 years of their marriage to conceive. They conceived 8 times successfully. She also had 8 miscarriages. Just six months ago they decided to adopt. They are adopting privately from Oklahoma for a number of reasons - to avoid as much pain as possible is the main reason. Oklahoma TPRs in 24 hours after birth for a woman relinquishing her child for adoption. In Kentucky, it's 30 long days. She told me they could never have done fostering to adopt. (I think a lot of people think that, and are wrong - but in her case, she may be right.)

I don't understand in her case why it took 8 years or that many miscarriages for them to come to this decision. She must have wanted to experience pregnancy very badly. What I do know is that now she seems happy (I didn't know her before Monday.) She gleams with joy and anticipation. She loved meeting Cookie and Ginger at the ball game. She asked lots of question - but our situation of adopting from foster care is so different.

I'm glad they are adopting. I'm also glad we took action as soon as we did when we learned we had dual fertility issues. I'm grateful we did not elect IUI or IVF. I'm so grateful.

Risking TMI here, I started my cycle on Monday, which means if I did ovulate, it happened the first day or so that we had Ginger. I think that is the ultimate confirmation right there. It just doesn't matter.

I'm glad I had the meeting I did. It once again confirmed that God has much better plans for us than we can ever conjure up - if we just have faith enough to lay it all down before His feet.

What Did The Trick Tonight

We managed to get Cookie to sleep at midnight tonight, and I wanted to share just what she fell asleep to. Do any of you church-folks remember a children's ministry called "Gerbert" - a little kid puppet? Well, I remember them fondly - it was a late 80's thing and my little brother (and me and mom, then) were all about Gerbert.

Well, they only came out in VHS and are, of course, long out of print. But I wanted Cookie to experience Gerbert, so I bought one video. It's children singing classics like "Oh, How I Love Jesus", and "I'm In the Lord's Army", and more and Gerbert narrates and the kids do sign language along with the songs. He's just the cutest little guy. Well, it is an absolute HIT. But it's not like the Elmo videos where she gets all excited. With Gerbert she's just mesmerized and peaceful. She studies it and doesn't move a muscle.

So tonight we popped in the tape as a last resort and she got though about 3 songs and then just laid down with her head facing the TV in our bedroom and kept listening, and closed her eyes and pretty soon the baby-snore followed. And, of course, now I am too wired to sleep. :)

We just ordered 3 more Gerbert videos from half dot com - cost us only $20 with shipping - not horrible for stuff that's out of print.

The best thing though? One video is about how Gerbert is adopted and he answers questions about adoption and talks about how Moses was adopted! I love it! So this is my first official adoption-related purchase (that I am aware of, anyway).

Am now going to pop in a load of laundry and get some sleep. Thank God for Gerbert.

Getting Used To The Sight Of Blood

So here's another one I didn't know about...

Last night we managed to get Mia to sleep at midnight (after Michael drove her around in the car for an hour). She slept until 2:30, then from 3 to 9 thanks to Hyland's teething tablets (thanks for the tip!), bubblegum flavored acetaminophen chewables, and Benadryl. But then...

When I woke up I saw...BLOOD.

There were pools of blood and drool on the bed, on the pillowcase, and on Mia.

I freaked.

Then I looked it up.

Apparently this is normal.

Once again, this is something I probably should have learned somewhere, but I was probably too busy worrying about which boy I liked or something similar.

On A Lighter Note - Ha!

We did not make it to church today. And that is not because of Ginger Snap - who, by the way, is sleeping like a champ. No...

Last night, Cookie slept a whopping 1 hour. She has had a fever for the last 2 days, and drools so much she soaks her shirt in a matter of an hour (and the bed linens, and our shirts...). And she is crying and sobbing and whining. Non-stop. I am not exaggerating. OK, there have been a few precious Elmo's World viewing moments of relative peace in which we have traded crying for "La la la la. La la la la Elmo's World...". And she is relatively calm in the bathtub. But those moments last for all of 30 mintues tops before the sobbing resumes. And the crying is LOUD. And my Cookie is a drama queen diva.

And today she napped for 1 hour only after I forced her to lay down with me in the bed and only after she sobbed for another hour while I patted her bottom.

Dang teeth. She's cut her first molars already, and is now cutting the teeth just in front of the first molars. It seems all 4 are coming in at once. Lovely. And I thought I was done with teething with this child. Surprise!

So, my precious child has been awash in a sea of drool and snot just streaming endlessly down her face. And it gets in her hair, and any piece of stray substrate sticks to her like glue, and she looks like a street urchin! (OK, an adorable well-fed street urchin.)

We've tried everything - driving her around at night, playing during the day, walks in the stroller, playing with water in the yard, videos, her favorite foods, 3 baths a day, and constant holding.

Oh, and she refuses to eat anything, and will not drink anything unless she is dying of thirst, and then only drinks a few sips. It is scaring me. We even tried her favorite foods - pizza, Chinese, chicken nuggets from Wendy's - even fries. Nothing would make her eat.

The good news (??) is that she is going for her 18 mo. shots tomorrow, so the doctor can check her out and confirm the teething diagnosis I've already dished out. I swear if it's another ear infection, I will scream. Her date for surgery to get the tubes is July 13th, and now I cannot wait. Seems horrible to wish surgery on your child, but those who have been there I'm sure will understand.

At least it's just 1 child.

Oh, and I did make a trip to the dollar store for a card, some blank journals, a cool pen, some cookies and chewing gum, and a gift bag for Ginger's mom. I'm still looking for a Bible for her. I think I'm going to get one of The Message bibles. Anyone care to comment on their knowledge of this version? Some of my college students really like it, but I've never checked it out.

I also got supplies there to make 2 small scrapbooks/lifebooks. This is the coolest dollar store ever.

Anyway, I feel better just having got her a few items. I may make it a monthly ritual of sending a little inspirational goodie bag along with the pictures we've taken that month. I'll also see as the weeks go by how I can become a more active mentor for her (or if that's even possible).

I'm off to wash a load of drool-soaked shirts. This mommy thing is hard. *grin*

Where to Begin?

This may all seem incoherent as I'm still trying to process the details of Ginger Snap's case and yesterday's events. And I'm a jumbled up mess this morning.

On a side note - Ginger's mom and grandmother did finally show up last week - they had gone back home for the birth certificate and formula that they thought they had to get at that moment. At least they did attempt to come.

First, our visit yesterday with Ginger's worker:
She handed us a letter. It was handwritten on a piece of notebook paper, and in her best efforts, Ginger's mom poured her heart out. She thanked us for caring for her baby, said God was watching over us, and asked us to tell Ginger how much her mommy and daddy love her, how sorry she was for what has happened, and how she will get her back soon, and promises to never let it happen again.

They didn't prepare us for that in MAPP classes.

Ginger's mom also sent a box of clothes, diapers, and all the formula she had along with next month's WIC vouchers, and dates of doctor's appointments and the next WIC appointment.

From here on out, I'm going to refer to Ginger's mom as simply her mom - not birth mom as I refer to Cookie's situation. In this case, Ginger has a mom. And she is grieving. She has made some bad decisions, but she is her mom. And I feel just awful for her. She has so little, and no positive support in her life to turn to.

On Meeting Ginger's Mom:
The social worker took Ginger Snap with her for the visit with her mom. We came to the office a little over an hour later to pick her up. Inside, we saw the social worker, the baby in the carrier, and no one that looked anywhere near 19. Then she introduced me to the girl standing next to the baby carrier as her mom. I almost fainted. I would have easily bet good money on her being 11 years old. I would have had a hard time believing she was a day over 15 for sure. But 19? Never.

She was a pretty little girl with long shiny brown hair that she kept pulling over one shoulder and smoothing down the length of it as she talked. She had big brown eyes, and a round face, and smooth pretty skin like you'd see on a pre-teen face. She wore pants that she couldn't zip or button up past her post-baby weight around her middle, though she was rather rounded all over in a sweet way. Her eyes searched my face in seconds - perhaps for reassurance, perhaps out of curiosity, perhaps for a wishing to be the one taking her child home instead of me. The social worker introduced us. Handshakes seemed inappropriate. The moment overtook my ability to distance myself, and I said to her, "Can I give you a hug?" And she nodded yes. And I hugged her. Huge tears flooded her eyes still puffy from crying during her visit with Ginger (SW said she cried the whole time). I wanted to tell her something that would matter, but there wasn't much I could say. "She's beautiful and perfect", I said - looking down at Ginger in her carrier. Mom nodded in agreement.

Mom asked the worker about the DNA testing for her ex-boyfriend, and the worker explained the court would order it, and no one would have to pay for it. She seemed relieved and mumbled something about him not believing he's the baby's father.

She leaned in to the carrier and kissed Ginger's face, then she turned to Michael and I and thanked us again. Then she was gone.

The SW told us that she was happy when she saw us walk up and that we were a bi-racial couple for her bi-racial baby. She had asked the SW if that was intentional, and even though it wasn't, she was happy about it nonetheless. I'm glad that was a comfort for her.

I asked the SW if she had graduated high school. No. Not even a GED. She will need to take classes.

So, no job, no education, a drug addiction, probable mental health issues, and no support network.

This child needed a system that would have allowed her to go somewhere and be with her baby while she got an education and a job. She doesn't need someone else bonding with her baby while she struggles to do things that are, for her, nigh unto impossible. I do not know how she will do these things.

Her case plan will include drug testing twice a week, a psychiatric eval and possible medication plan for depression/anxiety/bi-polar/post-partum stuff, counseling, and I assume getting her GED and a job. Would she have to have that to get her baby back? Would she have to at least show she could support this baby? I have no clue. I really don't.

What I do know is now I'm having a very hard time wanting this baby, or even bonding with her. What I want is for this baby to be with her mother. And I want her mother to clean up her life. But I wish she could do that and still keep her baby with her. It all seems so drastic to have removed the baby. But then again, I'm sure I do not know everything. But does the judge know everything?

I don't want to adopt this child if the system just throws this young girl to the dogs. Cookie's case was extreme - beyond any doubt. Ginger has a mom who wants her and loves her and needs help. If she were just a little younger, she would have been placed in foster care along with her baby - which is exactly what I feel needs to happen now. But it won't.

Unless this great-aunt in another county checks out (which we were told could take another month or so to determine while they investigate and do a CBC on her), we will likely have Ginger a very, very long time. Mom cannot do everything she needs to do in a matter of months. I honestly do not see how she can do it at all given her lack of positive support. I would do it for her, but I am the foster parent who is supposed to only bring the child to visits. How can I "work with the birth parent" from this position?

If the relative placement does not work out, I am considering asking for Ginger to be moved to a foster-only home. She does not need to be in a pre-adoptive home. This is insane. I'm having visions of Ginger being 3 or 4 and the mom still plugging away and making progress on getting her back but just "not good enough" to get custody back. And I see us in the middle.

The only way I could foresee feeling good about ever adopting Ginger would be if her mom wanted to relinquish her rights and allow her to be adopted by us - of her own free will and without pressure or coercion. And I don't see that happening.

Yup, God is in control. And I'm glad because today I feel completely OUT of control.

I am in mourning for Ginger's mom. If she were really 11 I would adopt them both. She needs a decent mom herself, and it is clear she never had one. Yet she loves her baby girl, that is certain.

We will pray, and ask you to pray.
We will take lots of picture of Ginger and make photo albums for her mom.
We will write her letters about how Ginger is doing, and offer our support.
I am also going to try to get a Bible for her in one of those new versions that she might be better able to read at her level of reading.
And I am going to get her a journal she can write her thoughts in, and write notes to Ginger in so she can have them one day.

Right now I am hoping the great aunt is approved so that Ginger can somehow remain with family. Her mom misses her so.

I'm just a wreck. I feel so blessed to have met Ginger's mom. But I feel so torn up inside now. I don't know how I'm going to process it all.

Anticipating Tomorrow's Visits

Thursday afternoon will be our first home visit with Ginger Snap's social worker. We're not too excited about the visit because this worker will only be on her case for 6 weeks before she leaves her job (because of the stress, according to her), at which point Ginger Snap will get a new social worker - this one will be a newbie. Newbie social worker cannot yet take Ginger Snap because you have to have so much time and training in before you get your first cases. I guess Ginger Snap will be one of her very first cases. I'm not sure how I feel about that. While she'll be fresh and not yet burned out on the job, she won't have the prowess that Cookie's worker had. Still, I'm already praying for her - that she have wisdom, insight, and knowledge far beyond her years.

After the social worker leaves our house tomorrow, she will be taking Ginger Snap across town to a women's center for a supervised visit with her birth mom. I suppose in my mind it's a toss up as to whether she'll even show up. As you recall, she didn't show up for last week's Family Team Meeting (which hasn't been rescheduled). I don't even know what her case plan will involve. I suspect that will not be known until after the preliminary hearing on July 3rd. And even after that, we still have the dispositionary hearing because Ginger's birth mom will not admit to the validity of the positive drug tests - thus dragging the process out even further and costing the good folks of the commonwealth even more money. God Bless our justice system.

We have offered to pick up Ginger Snap from her visits as long as the social worker or transportation worker picks her up for them. We have asked that they be scheduled on Thursday afternoons so we can pick her up and then easily run by daycare to pick up Cookie. With my new teaching schedule for fall, I should be able to make those pick-ups, or trade off with Michael as time allows.

I wish I could meet Ginger Snap's birth mom. I suppose my desire is to meet a young girl who desperate wants to turn her life around and get her child back. I want to have a better sense of direction with her case. The goal is reunification, and will likely be that until one of three things happens: 1) Ginger could be with us for at least a year and if her mom hasn't made any changes, they may seek a goal change to adoption. 2) Mom could stay away and not see her child for 90 days, at which they would seek a goal change as well. 3) Mom could voluntarily terminate her parental rights (which is highly unlikely). The case appeared simple at first, then while waiting with the workers at the team meeting that never was, we learned the complexities of the case.

First, Ginger's mom has no job, no higher education (do not know if she graduated HS), and no transportation. She lives with her boyfriend who has both drug and alcohol charges. She would either have to leave him and move out, or he will have to work the case plan too (yeah, right). But HE is not the baby-daddy. Ginger's mom claims the baby-daddy is this other guy who also has drug and alcohol and various other things that make him an unsuitable placement (in addition to the fact that he never wanted the child and asked birth mom to abort). The court will order a drug test at one of the hearings coming up in the next few months. They suspect if proven to be the biological father, he may voluntarily terminate his rights to avoid child support, drug testing, and working with the state.

Ginger's birth mom's own mother (Ginger's gramma) has her own legal past - with drug charges for guess what...you guessed it - marijuana. Guess it runs in the family. What's worse is THAT woman has a younger child in the home, - Ginger's mamma's sibling - and she refuses to take a drug test to get Ginger - but the state may intervene anyway and demand she be tested anyway (not sure how - just heard the social workers discussing it).

Cindy reminded me the other day to not dismiss the possibility that this child could be God's will to become our daughter. While I don't want to take someone's child IF they are trying to get their life together, I want to emphatically state - I WISH! I wish we knew. I wish it didn't take so long to find out, or to assess the likelihood she will return home. It seemed definite before the story really started to unfold (and before they were a no-show). Tomorrow may very well bring more details. We also have a visit with our R&C worker this month, and we may very well as her if she has heard anything more as well.

The state is still investigating a possible relative placement for Ginger - a great aunt in another county who is in her 60's and has no transportation. Now, we can't be ageist, or poverty-ist, but you must know where my thoughts are on that anyway. We're 36, we have 2 cars, and enough resources and then some - and yet this week we are wiped out! Perhaps she is a good woman and it will work out. I hope we get a firm yes or no on that one soon as well. If Ginger is going to leave us for a relative, it needs to be sooner than later for all of us.

It feels weird to be back in the swing of fostering again, and back in the place we have been so many times before with not knowing. I feel strongly that this is God's way of placing things in my life that will teach me to surrender, to tolerate ambiguity, to trust, and to acknowledge that I cannot control all the various goings on in the universe. I'm getting it.

Please say a little prayer around 2:30 for our home visit, and 3:30 or so for birth mom's visit.
Thanks, everybody. I'll update tomorrow evening with what more we have learned.

My Little Helper

I think these pictures speak for themselves. Enjoy!

A Wonderful Dad

Happy Father's Day... late! This is what nap time typically looks like at our house now that there are two girls in our lives:

Well, That Was Anti-Climactic

We showed up for the family team meeting, as did the facilitator, the investigator, and the new ongoing social worker. Gee, see who's missing? Yup. The birth mom and live-in boyfriend were no-shows. But the grandmother does apparently have the ability to call and cuss out the social worker every day. If only she used that energy to get off drugs herself. *sigh* It's all so systemic.

So, the next opportunity for the birthmom to see Ginger will be next Thursday. She lost points with me big-time. If someone took MY child away on a Monday and that Friday was the first opportunity to see my child I'd WALK there across hot coals if I had to! *sigh*

I even had Ginger dressed in a sweet new 4th of July outfit, freshly bathed and powdered. Too bad only we and the social workers got to enjoy it.

Thanks again for the prayers. I guess we were all protected today.

Sugar Cookie Tends To Ginger Snap

Well, Monday night Cookie refused to go to sleep without being about to touch the baby as she drifted off to sleep. It was so precious that I let them both sleep on the bed next to each other while I waited for Michael to come home from softball. I even got some cute pictures of them side-by side fast asleep (that are too much a close-up on Ginger for me to post here).

This week Cookie has been very loving to the baby. She's wanted to hold the bottle for her to eat, and when one of us is feeding the baby on our lap, she likes to crawl up on our lap too so she can be right there as well. She tries endlessly to put the pacifier in the baby's mouth if she is cranky. She pets the baby's hair and rubs her little arms and legs. She even tries to climb into the baby's carrier - right on top of her (which we don't allow, obviously, but seeing her try to get that close is just too adorable).

Cookie loves supervising Ginger's diaper changes when done on the bed so she can watch. She gets up close and "inspects" like a scientist and watches our every move.

We've talked to Cookie a lot about the baby, and that she is not our baby, but only here with us for a while. We tell her that she is our daughter, and that the baby is not. We have told her a lot more these past days how much we love her, how proud we are of her, and how glad we are that she is ours and no one will ever take her away from us. Oddly enough, she seems to understand enough tidbits to have gotten over some jealousy she displayed on Monday night (which resulted in a major crying "meltdown"). Clearly, this is a big change in the household - and one that Cookie doesn't understand fully. There's a baby. She takes away mommy or daddy quite often. She is fascinating, but a source of great concern for her as well.

Last night, when Cookie saw Ginger laying in the crib, she walked over and saw that her Pooh bear was in the crib. This particular pooh bear has a head that lights up and plays soothing tunes when you press it's tummy. Cookie got it from her grandparents when she was 11 months old and loves it to this day. I thought for sure she was going to whine about it being with the baby, or try to take it out of the crib. But, no. Instead, she reached into the crib, pressed pooh's tummy and just stood back and watched the baby enjoy it. I almost cried. She's so loving.

This morning I was feeding Ginger her morning bottle while she was propped up on a pillow on the bed. Cookie grabbed her sippy cup of juice and proceeded to lay her head down right next to the baby so that they were laying right next to each other having their breakfast.

The reality is that the two girls together are an exhausting challenge. Still, I feel we made the right decision. She's an excellent baby so far, and sleeps as well as can be expected for 8 weeks. She a lovely little thing.

Tomorrow afternoon is the family team meeting. I bought Ginger a special 4th of July outfit to wear. I hope her mommy is willing to work hard and work fast. This is no stage of a child's life to miss. Michael and I are seeing her first emergent smiles. Her mommy should be seeing these. I sure hope the system works - your prayers for the team meeting on Friday are greatly appreciated!

What Cookie Thinks of New Foster-Sister

She thinks the baby is her new toy! Our main problems have been with the obvious jealousy during feeding times, bath time, and holding the baby (geez, isn't that about all the time??).

Yes, Cookie looks a fright in this picture - this is how messy she usually looks when she gets home from daycare. What a big girl she is becoming!

On the fostering front, foster baby's internet name has been given by my father. Her internet name (and probably nickname from here on out) will be: Ginger Snap. For those of you who have followed our journey, you will surely get the bakery theme there. My Sugar Cookie and the Ginger Snap. What a pair. I can't wait for Friday afternoon when we go to the team meeting and learn just how long our adventure with Ginger Snap might last.

Everyone's doing well. It's going on 10:30. Everyone got dinner, baths, and the babies are asleep. Michael is talking to his brother - most likely about basketball. And I am emailing today's photos to family. Life's good.

These past 24 hours have made me love my daughter even more. She is my daughter and nothing will ever change that. I'm amazed by that every day, but never more than I have been today. I am now a mom and a foster mom all over again. Most folks will never understand why on earth we would do it all again - especially given that Ginger Snap can easily be reunited. But this is what we were called to do. It will not be easy.

Cookie's First Foster-Sibling

I called our SW yesterday to tell her about my job changes (and therefore contact information) and to discuss with her that we were ready to get back on "the list". And in a matter of seconds she stopped me and told me that there was an 8 week old baby girl in front of her that needed a home to go to right then and there. She didn't think it would be long-term, but I called Michael anyway and we agreed to take her.

Her case seems odd, to say the least. She and her birth mom tested positive for marijuana at the hospital when she was born, but there are not removals for that. Instead, she had to work with the state and go to drug testing. In these past two months, she hasn't done anything, and again tested positive (this time more so than in the hospital). When the social worker went to court, she recommended court-ordered evals, and court-ordered drug testing and case plan. Odder still is that the judge in this particular case is Judge Lenient - the newest and most wishy-washy of all of our family court judges. She is known for being extremely hesitant to do anything - from removals to changing goals to adoption, to TPR - the whole gamut.

And in a quite unexpected fashion, yesterday Judge Lenient went against the worker's recommendations, and ordered the baby removed immediately and placed in foster care until Birthmom got clean. Holy Cow! That left the workers scrambling for a family to place her with.

That's where we come in. Now, I'm not sure how I feel about removing a child from a home b/c mom smokes pot - I really don't. I don't know much about marijuana at all, or its implications for babies, or on the parents abilities to parent. From what we see and hear in the media, marijuana is "no big deal", and I had thought it wasn't addictive. I guess I was wrong. The social worker told me that for many people with psychological issues, they self-medicate with marijuana and are addicted to its anti-anxiety and relaxing outcome.

But let's get serious - smoking cigarettes during pregnancy and around a child is horrible, but we don't remove the children into foster care (OK, yes, nicotine is legal...I get it).

So the family team meeting may be Friday. I have no medical card or WIC letter for her b/c she's already on WIC and Birthmom already used the voucher for this month. I have what was in her diaper bag - including a pair of Birthmom's dirty underwear.

But baby is beautiful. She is caramel-skinned (bi-racial) with a thick mass of silky and curly black hair and big brown eyes. She seems to be very healthy (maybe even a tad over-fed) and is a chunky little lump.

Funny thing is that I don't feel much for this baby. I actually want and hope that I can encourage Birthmom to work her case plan and stop smoking pot for cryin' out loud! I just can't imagine this case plan will be very extensive or tough to complete. Yet, before yesterday, Birthmom didn't seem very motivated to make any changes. Let's pray this decision kicked her butt enough to get off it!

What I know about Birthmom: she is 19, this is her only child, she lives with her boyfriend who is NOT the baby-daddy, and baby-daddy is "not an acceptable placement". Grandmother, and two other relatives were deemed also inappropriate placements before we came into the picture. Birthmom does not work. So, apparently the guy she shacks up with supports her and the baby (as well as the government) and her fondness for marijuana as well. Geez people - this is your baby! She's so lovely, you just can't imagine not doing everything to keep her. She truly is perfect.

I hope this week brings a case plan that Birthmom can follow and complete quickly. I'm not into taking anyone's child because of pot-smoking. Puh-lease.

Clothes, Anyone?

I figured I'd put this "out there" in the blogosphere before I headed to ebay. I have kept practically all of Cookie's clothes that had no signs of wear or stains, so I have 6 enormous storage bins of baby girl clothes size 0-18 months.

Now, I could have a yard sale. I figured I'd ask $1 for each just so they would sell. But I detest the idea of having a yard sale. I don't detest ebay, but that's a lot of picture-taking and work posting things for the small amount of money I am likely to get for previously worn clothes. Even so, these are JC Penney, Sears, and Macy's clothes mostly bought by doting grandparents, so nothing cheap-o at all.

So, here's my question - anyone know anyone who needs baby girl clothes? I will box and ship them anywhere, and can even handle request for specific sizes and season. I have a paypal account, so I can just put together "lots" of clothes for anyone who is interested. I can even email pictures .

I wouldn't worry about this so much if I 1) still hadn't found a job, and 2) needed the room "just in case" we get another child "if" we put our names back on the list. I'd just donate them if we weren't in the position of really needing any extra few dollars we can scrounge.

So, let me know - please feel free to email friends and have them email me if they are interested. I think it could be a cool way of having a virtual yard sale. I sure hope someone "out there" is interested in some really great clothes.

Giving Birth

On Saturday, we got Cookie's new birth certificate in the mail. It has our names on it as the birth parents, and says that we were both 34 at her birth, and that I gave birth to her in our county on December 20, 2005.

While it was a painless delivery *grin*, the disappointments we experienced prior to her adoption on March 2nd, 2007 were nonetheless painful. Infertility changed me, my husband, our marriage, and our entire world view. Holding an infant one day and sending him home days latter changed us, too. We sent home 2 newborns, a 2 month old, and a 4 year old before Cookie came into our lives on December 22nd, 2005 at 2 days old. Those 4 children came and went all in a total of 4 months. It made my head spin. It broke my parent's hearts all the way from Florida.

We've healed from that pain. We've healed so much so that we look at our daughter and see the choices we made. While we were sitting in foster parenting classes, she was developing in the womb. At the time we received our license, J. was just beginning her 3rd trimester. We understand "timing" now more than we ever did.

Looking at the birth certificate makes me smile all over.

Admitting It Is Half The Battle

My name is Tamara, and I want another child. I do not know exactly why I want another child. In retrospect, I am sure I did not know exactly why I wanted the first one - except that I wanted it more than I wanted much else in life. And now, I can't imagine life without her.

It seems ridiculous to want another child - especially NOW - with me gainfully un-employed on a full-time basis, with Cookie still not sleeping in her own bed and battling constant ear infections. Why now? Ugh. I don't know.

I know we wouldn't get another one like Cookie. We might even get one with major issues or health problems, or bioparent involvement issues.

But once you foster to adopt, I think there is just something there. And that something is so sweet and life-affirming, that no matter the sacrifices, you just feel compelled to do it all over again. I now understand the stories I read of people who have 5 and 8 and 10 adopted kids. I don't rationally understand it, but I understand it deep-down.

Dang it. I've also been thinking about conceiving again. Adopting doesn't make it vanish. It makes it bearable. It makes it a memory. But it doesn't disappear completely. And this month, the longing is there for me again with all of its ugly ramifications. Go away, dang it! Why is it that THIS month, of all times, I know what CD this is, and am tempted to bust out the OP thingy? Gee wiz. I think THIS is why I feel like calling our SW and opening our home for another placement. Maybe it's just hormonal or something.